Not good enough 

That feeling where no matter what you do it’s never good enough… I’m never going to be good enough. Everything I do is wrong in the eyes of my “family” I will never be good enough and my children will never be good enough. 

What did I ever do to deserve being treated so differently from my siblings? I would bend over backwards to help them but I never get any help back from them. Maybe if they were more helpful and didn’t ignore me I wouldn’t need so much support from elsewhere. I wouldn’t need to use a childminder to look after my youngest son while I’m on a course. They would help me out. 

I’ve grown up and spent my entire life feeling unwanted. I truly believe given half the chance I would have been aborted. Do they even care this is how they make me feel? The answer is no. 

They don’t even know me, they don’t know what this past 18 months has been like for me. They wouldn’t care even if they did. Do they know how exhausting it is having a child with autism? Or having a child who has only just learnt how to crawl? Having an 18 month old that can’t walk yet is also tiring. Having depression and anxiety is exhausting and I don’t get a break. I’m on the go all the time. 

My eldest did so well in school yesterday he wanted to tell his nanny so we FaceTimed her. She didn’t hang up properly instead paused us and went on to complain about us going to visit her tomorrow. At first I was pissed off then I got upset. Why? Why do I bother with them? Why do I continuously make the effort with them? She doesn’t want me or my kids. I’m still sat here now in tears because of my mum. I sent her a message saying if you’d rather us not go round then just say so and I’ll take the kids to town or the park. I was going to say nothing but why should I bite my tongue and get treated like crap? Why will I never be good enough? Maybe I should have been given up for adoption then I wouldn’t have had to spend my entire life living in the shadow of other people.


Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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