Negativity 

So what started off as a picture of some pasta just started a feed of negative bitchy comments. 

I posted this picture of superhero pasta on my Facebook page. My 5 year old who I am waiting to get diagnosed for autism has never got his head around things being the same but different shapes. So we know he likes spaghetti and bolognaise so I bought him some superhero pasta to try. He got very excited about it (which he doesn’t about food) and I made my own bolognaise previously I bought microwave meals for him. He ate a really good portion of it and he was so impressed by the superheroes it kept him interested in the food. So as a result he ate more. A massive step for him and being proud of him I shared the photo. 


My sister was the first to comment asking how the pasta tasted any different to normal pasta. Well it doesn’t obviously. It’s the fact he ate the pasta and liked it, it’s the fact he has s very limited diet and I’ve been working my arse off to try and get him to eat more food. It’s just the negativity I’d expect from them and it’s put me on a downer. I’m sick of the shit from my “family.” I’m sick of feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. 

I had such an amazing weekend after such a crappy week. I’ve felt so incredibly low in mood all week and I picked up my mood and went out on fancy dress on Friday to the off ice skating rink, I went with my friend L and 2 of her girls. I really enjoyed it. Then last night I went out for a meal and drinks with 2 other friends in fancy dress. I had an awesome time and it was what I needed to pick my mood up. Now it’s taken one stupid comment from someone who should have understood previously being one of his teachers at school. 


I hope I can pick my mood up again I don’t want to keep feeling crap. I have a lot on at the moment and I’m trying to find ways of dealing with it and coping. 

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Struggled

Today has been one of those really awful days. Despite it being half term my 5 year old decides to wake up before 6am every morning. I’ve not made any plans for us to go anywhere during half term so boredom and being out of his routine is playing havoc with him. 

Since the moment he got up I knew, I just had this gut feeling today was gonna be a bad day. And didn’t it half prove me right. Nothing I did was good enough, nothing I did kept him happy. I took him out, we painted and sat with his Samsung tab for a while. I know it’s nothing majorly exciting but I couldn’t do much with him he’s still not feeling well. 

I asked for help, I was struggling with him. I didn’t get help I was just left to it to struggle on. I sat in tears feeling like such an awful mother. Wondering what they must think of me. “Pathetic she can’t cope with her own kid” “it’s only the third day and she can’t cope – crap mother” this is what they must be thinking.  

It took a lot of guts and courage to ask for help today knowing how bad it would look on my part. Knowing how stupid I would look in asking. I mean I could have not said anything and struggled alone anyway but they are there to help. I’m on my own 7:30am 5 mornings a week until 5:20pm with both kids. I’m not getting housework done, I’m not getting physio done and I’m not getting a break. I’m knackered physically and mentally exhausted and who’s there to talk to? No-one. I’m a mess. I’m stressed and I’m turning into a snappy horrible monster. My kids deserve better. 

If I wasn’t such an under confident moron I’d be going to the Drs to ask for help but they also think I’m useless and crazy and dramatic. I was looking at going back and talking to them telling them I’m struggling but meds will get thrown at me and right now believe me I’m tempted but in my eyes it’s failure. I already feel like a failure as it is. I can’t ask family for help I can’t ask anyone anymore. 

I’ll just sit here and cry alone as always. 

Triple P

I’ve been doing this positive parenting course for children with additional needs and disabilities. It’s almost over and I’m not ready for it to be over. I’ve had 3 course sessions but it’s only been one where I felt like I was getting somewhere. 

I wanna access more help, I feel like I need more help. Maybe I don’t maybe it’s just that I have zero confidence in my ability. I’m suppose to be getting a call tomorrow as it’s one of the telephone sessions where they check how things are going, if you need any advice or need to ask any questions. Then in a couple of weeks and one last session that’s it I’m done. Back to where I started with a text book to look through. 


I’m getting nowhere. I have a paediatrician’s appointment for my eldest in just over a week. I hope it’s to finally get a diagnosis of autism or Asperger’s. I need to know for definite so then I can start getting proper help. It’s half term this week and I’m starting to struggle already. It’s such hard work trying to keep him entertained all day every day. I take him out and he wants stuff all the time, I say no it causes issues. I’m tired and I wanna spend time with him it’s just draining with all the questions, him getting upset because his Lego car broke and he gets “lonely” when he plays on his own. 
I still have housework to do and I’m not getting things done because he debsvds attention and then the little one plays up.  I try to talk to my husband and I get interrupted because he wants his dads attention and wants a playmate. 


I’m tired, I’m anxious waiting for the next meltdown or the next thing to upset him and then I have to get to him to calm him down even when his dad is there. Then I have to do the little ones physio and I can’t because I’m doing everything else. I’m on my own with no-one to call on for help. 

Privacy

A few weeks ago like I mentioned in a previous post I was contacted by a children’s heart charity about my sons story. Last night it was published on their website so I shared it to my Facebook page, well both actually. It’s had done lovely comments on it and a fair few likes. To my surprise it also had a few shares. One friend I actually feel guilty but I asked her to remove the link. 

She volunteered for the charity I get support from so she has many of these people on her Facebook account. These people know nothing about my sons heart defect as I’ve remained quiet about it. I don’t want them knowing. As far as they are concerned they don’t know the reason I get support. I fear that once they know they will do the whole sympathy thing. The tilted head, the “oh bless him” blah blah. Neither of us need their sympathy. 

Is that wrong? Should I have said something by now? By not telling people it’s not attention seeking. I feared that ht would be seen as that. I don’t share posts wanting likes on Facebook or sympathy, it’s to make people aware. It’s to show people how tough it’s been. To show the people who moan about their kids constantly how easy they have had it. 


In a way I wish I had said something, keeping it quiet isn’t easy. Sometimes when one mother takes her kid to the Drs over every stupid little thing I wish I had said something. She needs a big fuck off reality check. Stupid little bitch. 

Breakdown 

Today was a really really bad day. I’d felt ok but my emotions got the better of me. We’d gone to the family group to play I was looking forward to it because I’d not been for a few weeks because of the course I was doing. My little one just wouldn’t go and play and enjoy himself he just sat and whinged for me so I picked up my stuff got him ready and left. I saw a friend on the way out and I just burst into tears but I still left even after she tried to get me to stay. 

I thought I could slip out quietly with no-one noticing but just as I left I got a call from my support worker leaving a voicemail as I didn’t find my phone on time. I didn’t mean to cause anyone to worry about me I guess it was nice that they cared enough to call. I convinced them I was fine but I guess it wasn’t enough. I didn’t wanna be alone but I thought my reasons for being upset were stupid. 

It was an after effect from yesterday making my emotions run high. I eventually decided I needed to talk so my support worker came to my house. I chatted and told her why I left etc felt stupid but she understood. Luckily.

I’ve felt crap all day extremely low I’ve basically cried all day. It’s been hard. I’m annoyed with myself because this depression I had under control now it’s spiralling again. I don’t want to be a zombie on meds I just want to control it and feel ok. I only let people see the version of me I create. I let the mask slip today and I didn’t like it. The friend who tried to persuade me to stay picked up on the depression straight away. She said she didn’t know and that’s how I want it to be. 

Emotional 

After my last blog post I was contacted about a face to face support meeting which I had today. I went in feelinguch less anxious then I’ve ever felt before. I was heading for a good start. I got talking about things and my emotions poured out I tried so hard to be stronger. I talked about all sorts and my depression and what caused it. It was kind of a relief to say out loud most of the things I write in this blog. Someone who listens and responds to get me thinking. I have made another appointment to see her and I’ve agreed after Christmas I’ll re start my therapy sessions. 


I’ve felt really emotional since coming out of that support meeting. But I know I will benefit in the long run and it gets those built up emotions out. It stops me running away and trying to bury things away. I really feel like I’m making progress with the depression and I refuse to take the mess which some people don’t get. I have nothing against people who take medication but there’s one person I know that is open about her mental health but I know that if she skips her meds she goes off on one. She hates the world, she hates her kids blah blah. I can’t be like that. I’d rather have a talk with someone when I feel low then rely on medication to control my emotions. It works for me. I also have nothing against honesty about mental health. It’s just that I’m a very private person not everyone knows my business. 

I want and need to talk 


I’ve got to a point in my life where things that stayed buried within me for so long have come out. I’ve also got to the point where now it’s out and I’ve been talking about it I feel the need to keep that going as part of the healing process and moving on from it. The only problem I have is the therapy I was referred to was too intense and I have no-one I can talk to about it all. I have contacted the people that referred me in a hope that I can speak to them but I’m so sick of chasing them up. I know I look and sound desperate but that’s the thing I kind of am. 



One of my closest friends is moving close by to someone I can’t be near and I want to be able to spend time in her new home without feeling afraid or panicked. I really want to move on because it’s holding me back. Maybe I was too haste to cancel therapy. I wanna be free of my past and enjoy my future, I can’t do that until I’m free of what casts a shadow over me. I don’t at the minute have anyone to talk to about it it’s all still stuck inside eating away at me I can’t do it I can’t let it ruin me. 



What do I do? I need some guidance, I need someone to point me in the right direction. I need someone i can talk to but  who? I can’t keep crying over my past I need to accept it and I need to move on. 

I’ve lost my way and I’m struggling to find a way back. I’m controlling my depression but my anxiety still lurks there waiting to come out. I feel like I’m the scared 17 year old again.