F#%king Anxiety

One of the things I’d never normally describe myself as is a drama queen. But tonight I feel completely stupid and feel like I’ve been a drama queen. 

I took my little one to see a nurse on Saturday evening because I think he’s unwell. Classic signs of yet another ear infection. They agree that his ears are inflamed but they wouldn’t treat it there and then. Had I taken him to the gp surgery knowing his medical history they would have treated him with antibiotics straight away. Yesterday he was still off it not his usual chirpy self. This morning though I thought he had brightened up a bit. But he hasn’t. He fell asleep on me after lots of tears at playgroup he slept for around 45 mins. It’s not like him. Then at around 1:30pm he started getting grumpy again ready for another sleep. He usually has one half an hour sleep but he’s been extra sleepy and clingy abs grumpy. I got him in the bath early tonight and maybe it’s anxiety but I swore he looked blue around his mouth. Maybe I’m over thinking it maybe I’m paranoid trying to find an explanation for the sleepiness. I took some pics and sent them to my friend. That’s when I felt like a prize twat. I just needed someone’s opinion of someone to say he looks fine. I’m not normally this dramatic but he’s not well and I feel like because I’ve had depression people don’t believe me. I take him to see the nurse when he’s ill and she treated me when I was at my lowest so I feel like I’m being judged every time I take him. 95% of the time he’s been poorly in the last almost 18 months there’s only been 2 occasions where I was wrong. It’s like they think I’m making it up or purposely hurting him. I would never ever ever do that to my kids and I would never use my kids for attention. 

I’m sat here feeling down, feeling tired and worn out. I feel incredibly alone and like I’m an idiot for over thinking. I’d been doing so well there’s just so much going on. I knew it wouldn’t last so now I’m disappointed in myself and being too hard on myself. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 32 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 5 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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