A year ago today was without doubt the worst and most difficult day of my life. I had to carry my baby boy at just 5 months old to an operating theatre knowing I had to kiss him goodbye and leave him there with strangers. I know it saved his life but I wanted to be with my baby in case I never saw him again. I was terrified, I spent most of the day in daze holding back tears so i didn’t upset my eldest. I’ve never been so scared of anything in my life ever.
Today we celebrated our little boys heart anniversary. We bought 6 red and 6 blue balloons and 2 heart balloons and wrote messages on them and released them into the sky. My parents in law came for the day me and L made a red velvet cake and my non blood family came and celebrated with us. So many people came and made the effort to be there for him and us too.
I feel so blessed to have these people in my life the others just aren’t worth mentioning. I get so much help and support from Home-Start I’ll be eternally grateful for everything they have done for us and continue to do for us. My family aren’t blood but that doesn’t matter family are the ones who say they are there and prove it. They are the ones that offer help when it’s needed, offer a shoulder to cry on and they have looked after my little one when I’ve needed help. They are also the ones that distract you and make you laugh when you feel so down and crap.
I’ve decided to no longer do therapy sessions I hated lying to people about where I was going and why. It was too much pressure and I couldn’t handle it anymore. My story isn’t over yet but it’s affecting too any aspects of my life it’s time to be a better mum and concentrate on the autism course for my eldest. I have child care sorted and it’s only 2.5 hours per week so it’s not like I’m doing it twice a week and having to catch trains. I have funding in place for a childminder. I’m going to be a better upmum, I’m not going to let people bother me anymore. I’m not going to worry abi what others think or say or do. Fuck that shit. It’s me p, my boys, my husband and my non blood family.