Well I don’t know how I’ve done it but we are more then half way through the holidays and I’ve survived on my own for 4 weeks. Now my husband has some time off he can take over a little and I can relax a little bit. I have a review on Tuesday with my support worker and I have a girly day planned with V. Looking forward to it as my hubby is having the boys while I go to lunch.
My counselling session on Tuesday was emotional and draining but talking about difficult things it’s expected to make me feel like that. I got through it and I was able to feel a bit better Wednesday with a busy day with the kids. I’ve been referred for other counselling but it’s not in my home town. It’s a bit further away and I’d have to travel by train to get there and I’ve looked into child minders for my boys. To be honest it’s always in the back of mind, how will I afford the childcare? Who will I find to look after the boys? How will I tell my husband that I need to find someone to look after them and explain why I’m going out of town to see someone. He might think I’m bloody having an affair. I can’t talk to him he’s not the most understanding he turns thing back round to being about him.
I guess my biggest worries about the new counselling is starting all over again with someone different, travelling alone, going to the session alone, coming out alone and travelling home alone. I’ve done all the previous sessions with support I don’t know how I’ll do it alone. Something I’m going to have to find out I guess.
I don’t know what people see that I don’t, I tell people I’m struggling, I tell people I’m not coping and they tell me I’m doing fine and I’m doing great. What can they see that I can’t? I suriving the last 4 weeks but barely and relying on other people for help and support. That to me isn’t doing great. Maybe I’m too hard on myself?
I decided after my counselling on tuesday that I would create a mood book. Not just writing things down but drawings, quotes, song lyrics things, person I want to be and the person I am now. It’s something I can create that can be positive and show what obstacles I’ve got to overcome. Every sketch has a meaning and although they aren’t brilliant I think they look ok. Just a few of the drawings I’ve done for my book.