I have had a really bad few days with my eldest son. I know he’s not diagnosed yet but having an “autistic” child is mentally draining especially when there are other things on my mind.
Today has been horrendous and I feel totally wiped out and alone. I need someone but there’s no-one there. My eldest has been having meltdown after meltdown all day from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed.
I am trying my hardest to be positive and I’m trying my hardest not to let my depression affect him. I try everyday to calm him down when he’s on one but I’m failing. Even when my husband is home I’m still alone he spends like an hour with the kids then it’s night time routine and then they are in bath and bed. He gets angry too easily and starts effin at the boy. Like that’s gonna help. I’ve been on my own with both of the boys for 3 weeks. It’s so hard. I can’t keep struggling alone I need help. I need someone to help me. I need someone to talk to when I can’t cope. It’s day after day of endless struggle feeling like I’m being watched all the time. People judging me.
Physio turned up today at the drop in I go to on a Monday morning this just fueled my anxiety and my ability to cope. No warning no preparation. Everyone watching me as these two women turn up and start moving my youngest around and getting him to stand and announcing to the room how well I’ve done. I was ready for crying. It’s the last thing I needed which is why I cancelled her coming.
I lost it tonight I just broke down in tears. I plaster on the fake smile and pretend I’m dealing with things the truth is I’m a mess. I’m alone, I’m scared of feeling the way I do. I’m lost, I’m alone and I’m cracking under pressure. Tonight I actually thought about what it would be like to hurt myself to see if I would feel better. I haven’t done but the scary thing is I thought about it.
I have counselling tomorrow providing it’s not cancelled and I’m scared of dealing with my past. I’m crying. I’m alone I don’t want to be. I need someone…. Anyone.