Back to school 

Well god knows how I did it but I survived the 6 weeks holidays. The last 2-3 weeks i’ve actually really enjoyed my eldest took the first few weeks to settle down and once he did and having hubby at home it was great. 

These past 6 weeks haven’t been easy but one thing I’ll say is that I’ve made some fantastic memories with both my children. We had a few days away, days out and we went to places we’d never been before and I loved it. 

I’ve tried my best to prepare my eldest boy for going back to school I just don’t know if it’s been good enough. Today was his last day off. I expected tears much earlier then when they happened. But once he got ready for a bath his anxieties came out and he started crying. My heart broke for him and I felt cruel for telling him he has no choice but to go back. 

Despite much reassurance and taking his mind off how he’s feeling I know how he feels to get so anxious and worked up. Which I suppose helps me understand him slightly better. I wish I could help him more I really do. I wish I could understand him more and make it all ok for him. After all it’s what us mums are suppose to do isn’t it? I’m dreading tomorrow because it’s going to break me if I have to leave him at school crying. I will feel like the worst mother in the world. 

Review, Counselling and a family day out. 

It might be a bit of a long one seeing as I’ve missed a few days through tiredness. 

I had my review with my support worker yesterday and I think it went well. It amazes me how understanding she is but it’s like she actually understands me too. I can talk to her about anything knowing I won’t be judged. I can’t even talk to my mother about stuff. She thinks I’m doing well and that once counselling a finished I’ll feel so much better. It seems to be the one thing that’s causing the most anxiety at the moment. I recieved a letter today with my appointment details on it. It works out kind of well that my husband is at home to look after the boys while I go. I just have to figure out how to tell him. He’s been acting weird I don’t think he trusts me, he’s been asking a lot of questions about who I’m on the phone to and what I was discussing on Tuesday. If he actually listened and didn’t make it all about him I’d actually be able to tell him in person. He reads my private books so I feel the need to hide them they are mine, my thoughts he shouldn’t need to read them. 

My counselling appointment is next Friday and they are specialists in dealing with what I need to get out and dealt with. I’m anxious already so god knows how I’ll be next week.

I mentioned in a previous post that we got some funding for days out for my eldest boy so today we went to Yorkshire Wildlife Park. It was amazing we all really enjoyed it. My eldest took a lot of interest in most animals but not so much the ones too far away to see. He loved the wallabys and the squirrel monkies and meerkats. ​


We really enjoyed it and they are adding more to the African Safari experience so there’s a chance I’d go back again maybe early next year. 

Next week we are visiting  The Deep in Hull so I’m looking forward to that. It will keep by mind busy for that day. 

I also have to take my youngest to the town health clinic for his 8 week weigh in. Although I’m debating that he actually needs this now. I don’t feel like he needs to be seen every 2 months now he’s going to be seen in march by the cardiologist and he will have his 2 year review sometime after then. I really don’t feel that he needs to be checked so often but it was the hospitals request. So what do I do?? Guess I’ll find out next week. 

Must go it’s been one busy ass day. Thanks for reading. 

Using humour 


I’ve been hiding behind funny posts and cheerful status updates to hide how I’m actually feeling. I’m already nervous for my “proper” counselling session next week. A trauma counseller with a specialist area. I’m tearful when I’m alone and I can’t help it. I’ve been watching, sharing and commenting on funny posts and videos on social networking sites. 

I’ve only ever left my boys and gone out of town once before that was a family members funeral last year that’s nother thing thing playing on my mind. 


I don’t know if I’m relying on people too much for support or If I’m getting it right or wether I should be doing it on my own. I just second guess everything and over think everything and think the worst of every situation. It’s been a pretty tough year and a bit. I sometimes wonder how I’m  still going, how I’ve not given up and run away despite wanting to several times. I’m disappointed in myself, I’m letting myself down and I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to get through this but I can’t do it alone I’m scared to do it alone but maybe I need to grow up grow a pair and get on with it?! 

Confidence 


I’ve never really had much confidence but if I’m something I like doing like hairdressing I seem to have it in spades. 

I took my boys down the biggest park we have in our town this afternoon they have an event on every year where stalls set up selling crafts, body shop, raffles, cakes etc. Well my friend V is a photographer and she had a stall there today selling prints and advertising her business. She was on her own so we stopped with she for 10 mins grabbed some business cards and her leaflets and off we went to hand them out and let the kids play. I found myself really getting into it and approaching people with her leaflets and cards and telling people all about her amazing work. I seemed so confident and felt confident doing it. 

It probably sounds so daft but it felt amazing I was helping a friend for no benefit of my own just because I wanted to and I enjoyed it. I hope that she gets some bookings out of it. We got talking and I suddenly thought to myself I’m never going to have another baby so I couldn’t book her for a maternity shoot or baby shoot. She said I could be her assistant when she has newborn shoots and I thought that would be brilliant. 

After chatting more she said how she loves the photography side but not running the business side so I kind of offered to be her PA. I will help her with her facebook page, check out if there any local events she can attend and help her with her schedule and bookings. It got my creative flow going giving me a brilliant distraction from shit going on in my head. I really hope something good comes out of it and I can really help her she’s a fab friend and she’s a brilliant photographer. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed. 📷📸💷🖼📅📆

Untrusted


I’ve been keeping a lot of things to myself  for months now until recently. I haven’t gone into detail and don’t intend to but I’ve told my husband about the counselling I’m going to have. I feel better now it’s out there it’s one less secret I’m keeping from him. He seemed to be ok with it not asking too many questions which I thought was fab. Only problem is I get the feeling he doesn’t trust me. He’s making me feel like I’m lying to him when I’m not. I am actually going where I say I’m going. I have no interest in any other men. In fact in total honesty I have no interest in my husband either. I have enough going on in my head without anything else being added to it. 


With everything going on and how I’m feeling about other things and having counselling I would much rather only think of myself and my children. It sounds selfish and it kind of is but I need to think of myself and my boys not him aswell. I put my kids before myself and there’s only so much affection I have in me that I give it all to them. They need it more. It’s easier to show my children by affection as they don’t expect anything from me in return only my love. 

Mixed emotions 

I’m sat here with my boys asleep processing what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and its completely mixed and at opposite ends of the scale. On one hand after such a brilliant day out yesterday and my littlest boys weigh in going well today I’m feeling good, but then thinking about tomorrow I’m extremely nervous and anxious. 

Let’s start with yesterday it was our second family day out this time we went to The Deep in Hull. Long ass train journey but so worth it when we got there, my eldest handled things well and no meltdowns until coming home. He loved all the different fish we saw and the Sharks and he got really into it and he seems to really enjoy it. He got a bit anxious on the way home mainly trying to go on the wrong train home and wouldn’t accept that it wasn’t our train. Then missing another train due to confusion we had to wait an hour for the next train. The poor kid was knackered and I was pissed off too so who could blame him for being upset. 


A few of the pics from the train journey. It was such a great day and we all really enjoyed it. Those days out we’ve had to break up the holidays have done wonders, it’s been so nice going further afield and putting that money to good use. Without that funding there’s no way we could have done the things we have done. It’s been nice. 


Today I took my little boy to our local health clinic to get his 8 weeks check over with. He’s doing fret which isn’t anything new he’s a little superstar. He’s gained almost a pound since he was last weighed. After a discussion last week with my support worker from home start charity I was querying if he still needed to be seen this often so I asked today and it’s great news that he doesn’t. So I’m happy.  While ago it was different when the health visiting team were supporting me with my mental health and weaning and sleeping but he’s doing brilliantly nowand I don’t need the support from them. So I’m happy that we can be like everyone else now. Also no physio outside of the house to,stop people asking questions that don’t concern them. So all is good. 

About tomorrow though, I start my Trauma counselling and it’s nerve racking I have to go about 20 miles away from home and it’s only 20 mins by train but it’s the fact I haven’t been away from my kids for that long since the little ones op. It’s just something I need to do but it doesn’t make it easier. Starting over counselling with someone new it’s going to be hard I don’t know what info would have already been passed on. But I’m still going to have to talk about stuff and my feelings in depth. Scary. Trying not to overthink but it’s what I do best. 

Not quite how I planned it.

Well last night I was pretty anxious about my trauma counselling starting today. Only it turns out that the lady I was due to see had to cancel. Only problem was I had no idea so I turned up to my appointment half an hours drive from home with some friends to find it out when I got there. Slightly annoying. So instead I had a walk around the city with my friends and went to Pizza Hut for lunch. So not a total  waste of a day. 

As much as I don’t want to I’m having to look into nurseries for my littlest one while I’m doing my counselling. I have a few anxieties about it due to his past heart issues, the fact that he can’t walk or crawl my fear is him getting hurt or upset that he’s just left there while the other children around his age can move about. I have to go look around these places and find out if they are suitable for him. Luckily V has offered to come with me to look around which will take the pressure off slightly. I didn’t want him to go to nursery for another year but fate has other ideas.