Not good enough

I’ve grown up always believing I was never wanted. My mum didn’t know she was pregnant with me until she was around 5 months gone. Probably past the legal abortion limit. I’ve grown up thinking it was too late for her to “get rid of her mistake” I’ve never known who my biological father is. She’s never spoken about it other then once i remember her saying to me ” you know dad’s not your real dad” that’s it. Not that I would ever want to find out. I have a lot of respect for my dad. My mum met and married him within 5 months then a year later they had a child. The favourite child. Even though I have 2 boys the same age as her two boys my mum favours her and her kids. 

It really pisses me off nothing I do, nothing I say is good enough and my boys aren’t good enough for her. I honestly believe that because my children in her eyes aren’t “perfect” they have individual needs that they are defective somehow to her. I have a child with autism and a child with a heart defect. Do you know what they are fucking perfect both of them. Maybe to her I’m not a fantastic parent like my favourite child perfect sister. 

Do you know what it’s been bloody hard work this past 15 months. If any one of them lived my life for a day they might have a slight understanding of what I’ve been through. Not that they give a toss. 

Before my youngest had his operation I had the comparisons “I went through it with your sister” yes my sister had more operations but it wasn’t on her heart at 5 months old and it wasn’t major life changing surgery and she wasn’t in intensive care for any amount of time. I made him a diary of his first year of life including his time in hospital. When I showed my friends they shed tears and hot choked up. I showed my support workers and they said it was emotional reading it. My mother showed no emotion what so ever. Her response was “oh that’s good wish I had done one for your sister” 

I don’t know why I’m not good enough I don’t know why my children aren’t good enough. But over my dead body will I let them grow up surrounded by those negative wasteful people.

 I have friends who pick me up when I’m down. They support me when I need it, say all the right things to encourage me and share my enthusiasm and share my joy in my children’s milestones. I can’t say that my family don’t upset me they do they always will. But one day I will tell my children the whole truth and keep them away from all of them our lives will be better without them in it. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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