So yeah as previously mentioned today was suppose to be my birthday officially I’m 32 but I decided I wanted to be 10 again. On Tuesday I’m having a proper 10th birthday party with kids games etc. I chose 10 because living with depression and anxiety means I never know how I’m going to feel when I wake up. Some days I feel “normal” today I was down.
My best friend and I always had this tradition that in our birthdays we would text each other at midnight. When I was pregnant with my eldest I couldn’t keep that tradition going I felt so guilty but since then the tradition has kind of stopped. I woke at 3am no Facebook messages, no texts still by 7am nothing other then from my husband.
My eldest had a massive meltdown over me opening my birthday cards. He wanted to open them I said he could open one but I wanted to do the rest, so he kicked up a massive fuss so it was then I decided I wasn’t going to open my cards at all. My husband caked me a mardy cow so I started having a go at him. Birthday was ruined before it even got to 7am. I came upstairs and sat alone in my bedroom crying. Proper upset crying. I just wanted a bit of understanding for my husband to use his brain. It’s the first birthday I’ve had since the depression diagnosis. This time last year was hard coping alone but the worst hadn’t happened yet. My best friend is in Wales so I wouldn’t see her on my birthday, my family don’t give a crap and I was all set for a good day at family group.
My youngest had physio booked for 2pm I was anxious about that. I was trying to keep it all together. I failed but I wanted someone to understand all this but instead when I had a go at him yet again it was all about him “I have depression, I have no one to talk to blah blah blah” he’s a pill popper for every minor little thing he has to take medication for it. Colds, coughs, headache,Heartburn the list goes on. If he’s depressed why hasn’t he gone to the doctors to get pills? He takes it for everything else why not depression? I however do not take medication unless I really really have to. A few days after having a c section I stopped taking meds as soon as I was home. I was in pain but instead of relying on pills I dealt with it. I don’t take meds for headaches or any minor little thing so that’s why many times I refused anti depressants. When I was told to go to the doctors and be put on meds I was pissed. I reluctantly took them for 13 days then decided I wasn’t going to anymore. Mostly I cope fine. I had rough days especially when my eldest and his meltdowns get to me or when I have counselling. Counselling stirs up old memories I buried deep inside my soul.
Anxiety now that can be the real bitch. That takes some doing to shift sometimes but again mostly I cope. It’s not often now I feel the need to chat to my support worker but I know she’s there when I do. I needed someone today but I felt too stupid considering the reasons for feeling so crap and crying so much. I didn’t say anything.
Physio went well I was dreading it. I honestly thought she was going to say I’d not worked hard enough on the excercises. I saw real progress in my littlest one and I’m glad she saw that too. It kind of made an awful day a little better. I expected the worst and I’m glad it didn’t happen. The littlest one is doing brilliantly and I know to others it won’t seem like a big deal that’s he’s having tummy time and he’s on all 4’s or on his knees but to me that are massive achievements. I’m so proud of him.
I’ve felt crap today I’ve pretty much cried all day but I have my tattoo to look forward to and my nails are getting done and my birthday party at the weekend. I’m going to forget the bad bits of today and move on.