I have a meeting at school for my 5 year old on Friday with his school teacher, SENCO, my support worker and key worker from the county council. I’m nervous and anxious it’s the first meeting with everyone in the same room as each other. I’ve spoken about these people to each of the people going but they are all going to be there on Friday. I’ve asked my son about things that worry him at home and school. But my main concern is looking completely stupid in front of all these people and breaking down in tears when I go through my concerns.
I’m ashamed of these people knowing I have depression and anxiety. I only have depression and anxiety because I’ve been through hell since April last year. I need these people to know that it’s not just because I had a baby and now I’m depressed. I had a heart baby and he had surgery to fix his tiny little heart. I don’t want them judging me thinking I’m a terrible mother. I also don’t want them to see me cry if I can’t handle it. I need them not to see me vulnerable I can’t cope with it. I’m so afraid of them thinking badly of me. I need them to see its been hard work but I deal with it the best to my ability. I put on this facade like I’m coping brilliantly like I did this time last year before the referral to the support charity I’m with now.
I’m sat with my sleeping baby next to me crying over the anxiety of this meeting. Wondering who I can talk to to ease my mind. Do I call a friend or just deal with it alone? Do I call my support worker tomorrow to go through it or do I cope alone? What do I do? I don’t know but I’m hoping someone does.