Keeping it together 

I’ve said many times before lack of sleep is my biggest downfall with depression. My youngest at 14 months so still needs to have 2 sleeps a day from anywhere between half an hour at a time to an hour. Yesterday he only slept half an hour all day my wishful thinking was that he would sleep better at bedtime my old I was wrong. He was so unsettled I barely slept. Eventually after many hours of tossing and turning he fell asleep after I gave I. And cuddled him back to sleep. I fell asleep around 2:30 am woken up at 5:15 then fell asleep until 6:34am I was knackered. I was severely sleep deprived and I was irritable. 

I came out my room to find my 5 year old having this massive meltdown over a toy. I blew up at him like some kind of monster. I felt instantly guilty but I was so tired I just didn’t have the energy to fight him and listen to a meltdown at 6:40am. Eventfully it calmed down but put me in crap mood first thing. I just wanted to break down and cry but I kept It together. It’s such hard work sometimes and I try not to tell school too much in fear of them thinking bad of me. They have been so fantastic I just don’t like bothering them they are so busy. This. Owning as a nice surprise to see the whole school do a flash mob to hairspray. Cheered me up and I told his teacher about his meltdown this morning. God only knows what he told them but he’s come home with a Thomas the tank sticker chart and once he has 8 stickers he gets a reward from school. 

Once school was over I had to bribe him to go to Argos as I needed to take my up youngest boys pushchair back. It went well easier then I thought. I thought he would play hell up as he hates change. We got on the way back home and the youngest was sick all down me in the taxi, I got home and tried to clean him and myself up. I got my eldest some tea left it on the oven too long and burnt it. Couldn’t apologise enough to him thinking he’s going to kick off one because his tea is ruined and to my surprise he just said “it’s ok mummy, everyone makes mistakes sometimes”. Bless him maybe I’m too hard on myself I was having a crappy morning and maybe he was too but I didn’t think of him like that I just saw it as yet another meltdown over something daft. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 32 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 5 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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