Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading for a month I started counselling sessions for a traumatic event I suffered as a teenager. I can’t and won’t go into detail, right now too many people I know have my blog and I can’t share my story right now.
I had been feeling anxious since Friday the butterflies and nerves really kicking in on Monday morning. I was in afoul mood and really not much company. Yesterday morning came and I was even more nervous holding back tears all morning. As soon as family group was over I was in tears but I held them off when my auntie came to look after my youngest son. As soon as I left the house to meet my support worker the tears just kept going. I was a nervous wreck, I got to the place I was meeting my support worker and she picked up how I was feeling and tried alot of distraction chat to keep my mind off it.
I got to the place I had my counselling session and I sat nervously waiting for my appointment. The waiting room was dark and dindgy. Not very nice at all. My support worker came in the room with me for real first 5 mins until we got to the personal bits of the from filling she had to leave. She waited on the waiting room for me. The personal questions came and so did the tears. She asked me questions I’d avoided for years. She kept saying the same word over and over again a word I’ve never said and avoided confronting for many years aswell.
I sat and told very personal details to a complete stranger and I sat and cried in front of a complete stranger. I felt very vulnerable and everything felt very raw after the session finished. My eyes were sore from crying, my nose was blocked and my make up was non existent. I was so grateful for my support worker being there waiting for me to come out I needed that. I got a taxi to go pick up my eldest from school and go back home to my youngest then I had to pretend to be normal cook their tea and be their mum. I was grateful to V she came up to my house and she was there until the kids bath time and she went home. I needed her I broke down several times while she was with me and it felt like a huge release.
Once the kids were in bed and asleep the emotions carried on pouring out. My husband wasn’t suppose to know what was going on but the way he was acting it was like he was trying too hard. He was acting weird and it pissed me off. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable but he kept pushing so this morning I snapped at him. I don’t exactly mean to but he soon got the hint. I needed time to get my head around things I’ve told him I have depression he’s suppose to understand if I have a bad day not push me.
My next appointment is next month another month away. So I have time to get my emotions in check and get prepared for next time.