Over thinking 

Here I am again trying to make some sense of everything racing through my mind. My kids are in bed almost asleep and I’m suppose to be relaxing enjoying the time I have to myself. Friends and everyone keep asking how I am I say the same thing all the time “I’m ok thanks” the truth is I’m not really ok. I’m tired from lack of sleep, I’m stressed, I’m trying my best at times to keep it together and fight back tears. This is anxiety is affecting everything at the moment. My appetite, my sleep, my mood and my ability to relax. 
I’m dreading the next few days I’m terrified and anxious. I need someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok and that somehow I’ll find the strength to talk about things. I’ve not been great company for a few days but I’m hiding behind make up, new hairstyle and new nail art. It’s like I’m papering over the cracks by making myself look nice in an effort to feel better about myself. What will happen if I get there on Tuesday and I find myself unable to talk? Unable to say what I need to say to get the help I need? I need to do it even though I feel I can’t otherwise my life won’t ever change. It will own me and my future. 
I hate relying on people but I’m not feeling strong enough to do things alone. I’m even anxious about meeting a new teacher for my son and his new teaching assistant. What do I have to worry about? I’m sure they are both lovely people and they will continue the hard work the teacher he has now has done. I kind of wish I could take someone to that meeting with me but I need to do it alone like all the other meetings I’ve had recently for school. 
I miss my best friend I could talk to her about anything and everything. She’s my person we laugh together, we cry together. She is the sister I always wanted. The sister I never run of out conversation with, the sister who stayed with me when I brought my first born home, the sister i spent most Valentine’s Day nights with when my husband worked. My sister that stayed with me the night before my wedding and shared my excitement about my big day. I miss her because I feel like I can’t tell her stuff anymore I feel like it’s not important enough to bother her with. I wish she was home right now I need her more then ever when I go through my counselling. I need someone to sit with me when I cry and I’m gonna cry… A lot. I need someone who can understand me to be there for me when I need to chat or need to cry down the phone. Or when I need a hug. I need to get through this somehow. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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