I keep talking about Tuesday because it’s a day I’m dreading. I’m going to counselling but not for depression it’s for something else. I’m already panicking about it, I’m already tearful thinking about it and how close it is. I’ve sorted out childcare for my youngest although I feel cheeky for asking someone for help and keep checking that it’s still ok. I feel like I’m using people. She didn’t offer i asked for help, then asked her to come to my house.
I am terrified of opening old wounds and how it will make me feel afterwards or even days later. I’ve asked my support worker to do a home visit on Wednesday no doubt I won’t be feeling great. It took me a long time to bury feelings away so they didn’t have a place in my life. Then out of the blue they get re surfaced and I had to work hard to bury them away again for me to fail at it. I’ve been failing for months And now I have to face these feelings. Face what happened so I can move on, I’m an almost 32 year old stuck living as my 17 year old self expect now I have to think of my children. I need to feel better for them I need to be a better mum to these boys I brought into the world. I feel it’s my duty as a mum to future men they learn how to grow up to be good men. I feel like I’m not only failing myself I am failing them. Having anxiety and depression means I am failing my children. It’s my fault somehow it is all my fault. I have a child who is autistic, difficult to handle and hates change maybe because I’ve over protected him, under socialised him as a a baby and now this is my price to pay. My seconds child born with a heart defect again my fault. Night and day I complained about the sickness, nausea and the pain I was in. I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy and in some ways I thought I’d never love another baby as much as I love my eldest. This is my price to pay except it’s him paying it. My punishment for the things I’ve done is going through it with them having depression and feeling so shit. That’s my punishment.
I can’t imagine what my boys will grow up thinking about me as their mother as I I I what I feel towards my own family and mother. I would hate my boys to think that of me we it what choice am I giving them? People are distancing themselves from us or me and it’s not fair. I’m building this trust up with people and I feel like I’m getting brushed off sometimes or maybe they have to distance themselves so they can see how I am coping and how I get help. With things they way they are there’s too much going on either with school meetings or thing elsewhere. I can’t seem to get my head around it all and I don’t know if I will. I’m constantly writing things down so I remember what people say to me, I have to have folders of paperwork so I know where everything is.
My brain needs an off switch I am tired, confused, not eating well , over thinking, stressed, anxious and scared. I need a break from it all.