Mixed emotions 

Well the half term holidays are over my eldest went back to school today. He started hisday extremely well which put my mind at ease for a while. I pre warned him about the changes he would be facing st school but it still stressed him out. He had to line up to go into his classroom this morning which he was keen to do until someone pushed In front of him. I tread to keep him calm but failed, he got very upset by this boy pushing in. 

I spent all day wondering if he was ok, had he calmed down, would he settle back in ok after what happened this morning. I promised him I wouldn’t forget to pick him up as that was one other thing upsetting him. He came out of school upset that his lunchbox was wet I know it seems like it’s not a big deal but him it’s his lunchbox and his property. He like what he likes. I tried to calm him down by distracting him asking him about his badge. 

We made a scrap book together about what he has done this half term, he wrote it all himself and I helped by gluing in the pictures for him. He was very proud of his scrapbook and couldn’t wait to show his teacher this morning. She was so impressed by it she told him he could go show the headteacher and he was rewarded for his hard work with a badge. He also got to show his year 1 teacher his scrapbook as they are trying to get him to build up a relationship with her ready for next school year.he was so impressed and I felt incredibly proud of him for having the confidence to show them. 

I love my boys I honestly do when the eldest is having a good day it’s so easy to be his mum but when he’s having a bad day it’s so so hard. Having depression and having to deal with his challenging behaviour and his meltdowns it’s so hard. The last two weeks completely wore me down yesterday and I struggled terribly with my emotions. I completely broke  down at my place of support. I just broke down in tears and cried in front of the people who were there. Then I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I struggled so much in the half term. What happened with me yesterday was obviously mentioned to my support worker who has only just returned to work a few days ago as she rung me. After a quick chat she’s now doing a home visit tomorrow. 

Also not helping my stress and anxiety is the fact I don’t know when and how much time off my husband would get in the summer holidays. Turns out he gets 2 weeks at the end of August ( the last 2 weeks of the holidays) which is pretty shit. I get no break for 4 weeks I have to do it all alone again. The plans I made to go away for a week can’t happen because he hasn’t got the time off. I don’t want to go away for a week when he’s off because I want to be able to do things around home and family groups etc things I would normally do. I know I’m going to struggle and it’s going to be so so hard. I really don’t know what I can do, but I guess that’s why inadvertently these people around me to support me and I guess somewhere along the line they will have things they can suggest or suggest places I can take him. But it’s gonna be costly and it needs to be autistic kid friendly. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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