….

This half term holiday has been mentally and physically exhausting. The meltdowns, the questions, the freak outs over bugs, the constant reassurance my eldest son needs all the time is completely exhausting. The freaking out over bugs is a new thing, screaming and shouting for me when he sees a fly or an ant. I don’t know where it’s come from but it’s bothering him. Another new things is him talking about dying, what happens when people die, where do dead people go. I try to find the best thing to tell him but I don’t know the right thing to say. The things about the bugs I say him if I’m not freaking out about them he doesn’t need to. That’s doesn’t work either. 

It’s so frustrating and upsetting to hear your 5 year old healthy boy talking about death and dying. How do I make him stop? Can I make him stop? Is this normal 5 year old or possible autistic 5 year old? He doesn’t eat his meals, he decides last minute that he no longer like something he liked last week and he’s already got a very limited diet. He just wants acts to eat junk food all the time. 

I feel incredibly guilty when people ask how the holidays have been and I reply saying stressful. It’s the truth so why would I lie? My life for the last 2 weeks has been controlled by a 5 year old boy. I’ve had very little time to myself, I’ve had a poorly one year old to cope with which has also been stressful and hard and extremely tiring.

I have meeting left right and centre for the next month and I feel like at the mo especially with what’s to come I need more support then I did a few months ago. I’m ashamed to say this I’m meant to just deal with it aren’t I? Counselling in 2 weeks is going to be hard and then I have to go back into mum mode straight away so I don’t have time to deal with the things I need to deal with. I need to get these things sorted it’s all just taking its toll on me.  I could quite easily go into hibernation for weeks on end or pull out my hair until I have absolutely nothing left. I’m slowly going insane. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope during the 6 weeks holidays. I need help, I need family to step up and help me out but that will never happen. I need support. I need a break. It’s hard and I’ve just had a full on emotional breakdown in front of my husband probably making him feel like he’s not helping. The truth is he is but he can’t be in two places at once. We can’t afford for him not to work so he has to carry on working 42 hours per week. I don’t know what I’m gonna do I really don’t. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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