My eldest is 5 he’s undiagnosed autistic. He is difficult to handle, difficult to please,hates change and he’s very sensitive. He likes his routine and he like what he knows. Underneath all the autistic traits and beyond all the meltdowns he is my beautiful, smart, loving, kind little boy. I think somewhere along the way I’ve lost sense of that. Until tonight I feel like I’ve had my eyes reopened to the little boy I had before all of this autistic-ness came about. All I seem to talk about to people is how he’s coping with things, his meltdowns, his change of routine. It’s like he doesn’t exist now beyond autism.
Probably sounds stupid but I feel like I’ve neglected my little boy. All I’ve been focused on is when he’s going back to school. How will he cope with all the changes when he does go back and how will it affect his behaviour. I shouldn’t need to worry about that and that’s up to school to help through it. I’ll do my bit at home by being his mummy. The one he deserves not the one I have been.
I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. I have depression and anxiety nothing is fucking easy. I have so much crap going on my head that relates to years of self loathing, blaming myself for things that I shouldn’t blame myself for. I doubt myself, I doubt my parenting skills, I doubt my mothers instinct. I have zero self confidence and I need reassurance all the damn time. Yes it pisses me off and yes I hate it but it’s who I am now at the present moment.
Tonight my little boy, my little 5 year old boy woke up scared and he needed his mummy and I was that mummy he needed. I wasn’t annoyed he woke up feeling sick and scared and confused. I wasn’t upset that if he had been sick I wouldn’t be able to go out tomorrow. I was the loving mummy who told him he was ok and there was no need to be scared. I tucked him back up into bed and held his and kissed his head and stroked his hair. Then I got emotional, I cried because lately I haven’t been that mummy to him and I hate myself for it. I forget with him being older that maybe he still needs his mummy to tell him it’s ok. He needs me to tell him not to be scared or he might still need me to hold his hand. I’ve missed that part of me. I tell him every day that I love him. It’s the last thing I say to him at night. I hope he realises that despite me being such a crap mum that I do love him. As I always say to him “I love you to the moon and back” Or now as we say “I love to you to infinity because it means I’ll never stop loving you”.