Once again I feel alone and totally cut off I have no-one to talk to about the crap going round in my head. I feel the need to talk but seeing as no-one is around that knows my story if I wanted to talk id have to start from scratch and I’m too terrified to do it. Too ashamed of it all.
It’s not helping that my eldest is repeatedly having meltdowns when he’s not getting what he wants. Even though I told him a few hours in advance he wasn’t happy that we had to go to the doctors again today. So that caused major problems with him. He kicked off on one because he wanted my phone to watch you tube I had no internet signal so he couldn’t. Bad mother strikes again. My youngest has a nasty case of tonsillitis he’s understandably been very grumpy this also upset my eldest. The fact he can’t go to a group to play on Friday has also upset him so I can’t win. I’m losing the battle with him this week. I just give up. Nothing I do is good enough so why do I bother?
I have so much going on over the next few weeks so many appointments I need to be at that I need to be prepared for and I can’t work my head out.
I feel like I’m failing at everything and I have no energy to fight things. I’m on my own I cry I feel like giving up and letting everything just drown me. I don’t think I have enough in me to fight anymore. The depression is drowning me and I’m struggling to come up for air.
Why can’t I cope with it? Why am I letting this consume me? Why am I letting it trap me? I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know what to do. I plaster my fake smile on, put my make up on and pretend everything is fine and dandy.