AppreciationĀ 


Today did not go as I thought it would. My eldest had a massive meltdown this morning over a toy. Not his toy but my cousins sons toy because he wasn’t sharing it with him. That started a massive meltdown then I just started crying. I got upset, the meltdown continued on the school play ground I just felt like everyone was staring at me. They probably weren’t no was just paranoid I guess. I caught his teacher after the kids went into class and I just broke down in front of her. Afterwards I felt like a right twat. Crying in front of her the one thing I didn’t want to do. Well done me! His teacher was very understanding, she’s lovely she’s very good with my eldest. I explained what had gone on and she said she would do some work with him. 

Despite it being nearly 9pm she replied to a message I sent her earlier this evening on class dojo. And continued to reply and tell me what was discussed at school. That is dedication, that is caring and considerate and going above and beyond to help out one stressed out mummy and one very anxious little boy. It turns out he was worried about going into year one today for class swap. We had tears st bathtime crying cause he’s going to miss his classroom and his teacher. Bless him so much change for him. 

The picture below is extremely accurate for me.


My youngest now has chicken pox as well as yet another ear infection. So I now have that to deal with meaning no groups, no playing no support no company. It’s my birthday on Tuesday and my youngest was also suppose to be having physio at group on Tuesday. I guess I’ll be cancelling that then. Instead I’ll probably be spending the day completely alone. šŸ˜£šŸ˜•šŸ˜¢ every few weeks my littlest boy picks up an infection. I can’t get a break its one thing after another. I need a break from doctors and illnesses and medication. 

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Worrying

I have a meeting at school for my 5 year old on Friday with his school teacher, SENCO, my support worker and key worker from the county council. I’m nervous and anxious it’s the first meeting with everyone in the same room as each other. I’ve spoken about these people to each of the people going but they are all going to be there on Friday. I’ve asked my son about things that worry him at home and school. But my main concern is looking completely stupid in front of all these people and breaking down in tears when I go through my concerns. 

I’m ashamed of these people knowing I have depression and anxiety. I only have depression and anxiety because I’ve been through hell since April last year. I need these people to know that it’s not just because I had a baby and now I’m depressed. I had a heart baby and he had surgery to fix his tiny little heart. I don’t want them judging me thinking I’m a terrible mother. I also don’t want them to see me cry if I can’t handle it. I need them not to see me vulnerable I can’t cope with it. I’m so afraid of them thinking badly of me. I need them to see its been hard work but I deal with it the best to my ability. I put on this facade like I’m coping brilliantly like I did this time last year before the referral to the support charity I’m with now. 

I’m sat with my sleeping baby next to me crying over the anxiety of this meeting. Wondering who I can talk to to ease my mind. Do I call a friend or just deal with it alone? Do I call my support worker tomorrow to go through it or do I cope alone? What do I do? I don’t know but I’m hoping someone does. 

Keeping it togetherĀ 

I’ve said many times before lack of sleep is my biggest downfall with depression. My youngest at 14 months so still needs to have 2 sleeps a day from anywhere between half an hour at a time to an hour. Yesterday he only slept half an hour all day my wishful thinking was that he would sleep better at bedtime my old I was wrong. He was so unsettled I barely slept. Eventually after many hours of tossing and turning he fell asleep after I gave I. And cuddled him back to sleep. I fell asleep around 2:30 am woken up at 5:15 then fell asleep until 6:34am I was knackered. I was severely sleep deprived and I was irritable. 

I came out my room to find my 5 year old having this massive meltdown over a toy. I blew up at him like some kind of monster. I felt instantly guilty but I was so tired I just didn’t have the energy to fight him and listen to a meltdown at 6:40am. Eventfully it calmed down but put me in crap mood first thing. I just wanted to break down and cry but I kept It together. It’s such hard work sometimes and I try not to tell school too much in fear of them thinking bad of me. They have been so fantastic I just don’t like bothering them they are so busy. This. Owning as a nice surprise to see the whole school do a flash mob to hairspray. Cheered me up and I told his teacher about his meltdown this morning. God only knows what he told them but he’s come home with a Thomas the tank sticker chart and once he has 8 stickers he gets a reward from school. 

Once school was over I had to bribe him to go to Argos as I needed to take my up youngest boys pushchair back. It went well easier then I thought. I thought he would play hell up as he hates change. We got on the way back home and the youngest was sick all down me in the taxi, I got home and tried to clean him and myself up. I got my eldest some tea left it on the oven too long and burnt it. Couldn’t apologise enough to him thinking he’s going to kick off one because his tea is ruined and to my surprise he just said “it’s ok mummy, everyone makes mistakes sometimes”. Bless him maybe I’m too hard on myself I was having a crappy morning and maybe he was too but I didn’t think of him like that I just saw it as yet another meltdown over something daft. 

Random

I met a friend today and we got chatting about tattoos, I said I want more but I don’t know what I want. I have 9 and 6 of them have meaning behind them. I like my tattoos to kind of tell a story rather then random pictures on my body. So we came up with the idea that we would have matching tattoos and I’m so excited. It will mean something and I can’t wait to share the same tattoo with my friend. So there’s a screen grab from my friends phone of what our art will look like. We want colour and we both love purple so I’m thinking purple will look awesome.

In other news my eldest son had his first ever school trip seaside yesterday, I was anxious to see how he would cope and what mood he would come home in. His teacher told me he was fantastic and he had an amazing day. So proud and pleased for him I really wanted him to have a fantastic day and he did. He also has so first class swap for year 1 on Wednesday and he seemed to handle it well. He has met his new teacher a few times and they are transitioning him different to the other kids. The school are amazing and I’m so glad I sent him tot that school. 

On Monday I had a Carers re asssesment done with a support plan in place, the lady I spoke to applied for some funding so I can take my eldest out on day trips during the summer holidays and the funding was approved. In a way I feel like I’m taking money I shouldn’t be taking but like my friend said to me today my son has additional needs that require a lot more attention then other children. The way he acts and thinks is different to other children and he needs more support. These days out are to help take the pressure off me and give him some days out I otherwise wouldn’t really be able to afford. I want to take him to places I know he will really enjoy and get benefits from it, he loves travelling by train so that will excite him. I’ve been dreading the summer holidays for so long but now I’m getting support I’m thinking I might just cope after all. 

The charity that provides me support and has done for almost a year are going to place me a volunteer again. I’m sad in a way because I built up a really good relationship with my last volunteer. She was lovely and great to chat to. She was there helping me through the anxiety of leaving my youngest son with someone else, but I have a feeling she’s not coming back. So anyway they are looking at getting someone else to work with me and support my eldest son. She has worked with an autistic child before and she could be a big help to the family during the holidays lightening my load a little. I’m a little anxious to meet her and build that relationship up with someone new. I hope it works out well for us.

Next Friday I have another meeting with school. My support worker and my key worker from the county council working to support my eldest. There is some really positive stuff I can say now and things are going to well but I’m still nervous. I’m sure it will be fine it’s just a a case of everyone knowing where they stand and how best to support our needs as a family for our eldest boy. 

Yesterday

Yesterday was the day I’d been dreading for a month I started counselling sessions for a traumatic event I suffered as a teenager. I can’t and won’t go into detail, right now too many people I know have my blog and I can’t share my story right now.

I had been feeling anxious since Friday the butterflies and nerves really kicking in on Monday morning. I was in afoul mood and really not much company. Yesterday morning came and I was even more nervous holding back tears all morning. As soon as family group was over I was in tears but I held them off when my auntie came to look after my youngest son. As soon as I left the house to meet my support worker the tears just kept going. I was a nervous wreck, I got to the place I was meeting my support worker and she picked up how I was feeling and tried alot of distraction chat to keep my mind off it.

I got to the place I had my counselling session and I sat nervously waiting for my appointment. The waiting room was dark and dindgy. Not very nice at all. My support worker came in the room with me for real first 5 mins until we got to the personal bits of the from filling she had to leave. She waited on the waiting room for me. The personal questions came and so did the tears. She asked me questions I’d avoided for years. She kept saying the same word over and over again a word I’ve never said and avoided confronting for many years aswell.

I sat and told very personal details to a complete stranger and I sat and cried in front of a complete stranger. I felt very vulnerable and everything felt very raw after the session finished. My eyes were sore from crying, my nose was blocked and my make up was non existent. I was so grateful for my support worker being there waiting for me to come out I needed that. I got a taxi to go pick up my eldest from school and go back home to my youngest then I had to pretend to be normal cook their tea and be their mum. I was grateful to V she came up to my house and she was there until the kids bath time and she went home. I needed her I broke down several times while she was with me and it felt like a huge release.

Once the kids were in bed and asleep the emotions carried on pouring out. My husband wasn’t suppose to know what was going on but the way he was acting it was like he was trying too hard. He was acting weird and it pissed me off. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable but he kept pushing so this morning I snapped at him. I don’t exactly mean to but he soon got the hint. I needed time to get my head around things I’ve told him I have depression he’s suppose to understand if I have a bad day not push me.

My next appointment is next month another month away. So I have time to get my emotions in check and get prepared for next time.

Over thinkingĀ 

Here I am again trying to make some sense of everything racing through my mind. My kids are in bed almost asleep and I’m suppose to be relaxing enjoying the time I have to myself. Friends and everyone keep asking how I am I say the same thing all the time “I’m ok thanks” the truth is I’m not really ok. I’m tired from lack of sleep, I’m stressed, I’m trying my best at times to keep it together and fight back tears. This is anxiety is affecting everything at the moment. My appetite, my sleep, my mood and my ability to relax. 
I’m dreading the next few days I’m terrified and anxious. I need someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok and that somehow I’ll find the strength to talk about things. I’ve not been great company for a few days but I’m hiding behind make up, new hairstyle and new nail art. It’s like I’m papering over the cracks by making myself look nice in an effort to feel better about myself. What will happen if I get there on Tuesday and I find myself unable to talk? Unable to say what I need to say to get the help I need? I need to do it even though I feel I can’t otherwise my life won’t ever change. It will own me and my future. 
I hate relying on people but I’m not feeling strong enough to do things alone. I’m even anxious about meeting a new teacher for my son and his new teaching assistant. What do I have to worry about? I’m sure they are both lovely people and they will continue the hard work the teacher he has now has done. I kind of wish I could take someone to that meeting with me but I need to do it alone like all the other meetings I’ve had recently for school. 
I miss my best friend I could talk to her about anything and everything. She’s my person we laugh together, we cry together. She is the sister I always wanted. The sister I never run of out conversation with, the sister who stayed with me when I brought my first born home, the sister i spent most Valentine’s Day nights with when my husband worked. My sister that stayed with me the night before my wedding and shared my excitement about my big day. I miss her because I feel like I can’t tell her stuff anymore I feel like it’s not important enough to bother her with. I wish she was home right now I need her more then ever when I go through my counselling. I need someone to sit with me when I cry and I’m gonna cry… A lot. I need someone who can understand me to be there for me when I need to chat or need to cry down the phone. Or when I need a hug. I need to get through this somehow. 

Anxious and over thinkingĀ 

I keep talking about Tuesday because it’s a day I’m dreading. I’m going to counselling but not for depression it’s for something else. I’m already panicking about it, I’m already tearful thinking about it and how close it is. I’ve sorted out childcare for my youngest although I feel cheeky for asking someone for help and keep checking  that it’s still ok. I feel like I’m using people. She didn’t offer i asked for help, then asked her to come to my house. 

I am terrified of opening old wounds and how it will make me feel afterwards or even days later. I’ve asked my support worker to do a home visit on Wednesday no doubt I won’t be feeling great. It took me a long time to bury feelings away so they didn’t have a place in my life. Then out of the blue they get re surfaced and I had to work hard to bury them away again for me to fail at it. I’ve been failing for months And now I have to face these feelings. Face what happened so I can move on, I’m an almost 32 year old stuck living as my 17 year old self expect now I have to think of my children. I need to feel better for them I need to be a better mum to these boys I brought into the world. I feel it’s my duty as a mum to future men they learn how to grow up to be good men. I feel like I’m not only failing myself I am failing them. Having anxiety and depression means I am failing my children. It’s my fault somehow it is all my fault. I have a child who is autistic, difficult to handle and hates change maybe because I’ve over protected him, under socialised him as a a baby and now this is my price to pay. My seconds child born with a heart defect again my fault. Night and day I complained about the sickness, nausea and the pain I was in. I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy and in some ways I thought I’d never love another baby as much as I love my eldest. This is my price to pay except it’s him paying it. My punishment for the things I’ve done is going through it with them having depression and feeling so shit. That’s my punishment. 

I can’t imagine what my boys will grow up thinking about me as their mother as I I I what I feel towards my own family and mother. I would hate my boys to think that of me we it what choice am I giving them? People are distancing themselves from us or me and it’s not fair. I’m building this trust up with people and I feel like I’m getting brushed off sometimes or maybe they have to distance themselves so they can see how I am coping and how I get help. With things they way they are there’s too much going on either with school meetings or thing elsewhere. I can’t seem to get my head around it all and I don’t know if I will. I’m constantly writing things down so I remember what people say to me, I have to have folders of paperwork so I know where everything is. 

My brain needs an off switch I am tired, confused, not eating well , over thinking, stressed, anxious and scared. I need a break from it all.