Only now I’m thinking “oh shit what have I done?” I am going to have to talk about things I haven’t talked about in 14 years. I am pretty terrified. I am going to need some courage and some strength to get through it. I am going to have to be strong and get this done so I can move forward and not look back anymore.
I hope with all that is in me that this will help and that it won’t all be for nothing, it’s 4 weeks away so I have time to prepare myself for it. I know I need to do this but I am so scared it’s not just counselling it’s opening old wounds that never healed.
Song lyrics that I kind of identified myself with, words I wish I had come up with myself.
“Here I am once again I’m torn into pieces, can’t deny it, can’t pretend, now all that’s left of me is what i pretend to be. So together but so broken up inside. But you don’t see the tears I’ve cried behind these hazel eyes. Swallowed me then spit me out for hating you I blame myself. Seeing you it kills me now no I don’t cry on the outside anymore”
“So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight but I’m just suriving and I may be weak but I’m never defeated and i’ll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. Most days I try my best to put on a brave face but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks but all the while somethings keeping me safe and alive”
I hope that the above quote will apply to me, I keep being told I’m stronger then I think I’d love to know where these people are looking. I didn’t have the strength when I needed to talk. When I needed support with my youngest it was only because by chance I was seen crying my guard was already down. That’s not strength. It’s not strong to run and hide when you can’t face someone. It’s not strength to have a panic attack when you see someone you really don’t want to see or have a panic attack at the prospect of seeing them. I don’t have strength in me, but I need to do this. I need to get my life back. No more panic attacks, no more tears. This fear and this hatred and blaming myself has gone on long enough. .