For the first time in months I felt really uncomfortable in my surroundings where I go for support. I needed to get out. It felt crowed and I felt suffocated. It wasn’t overly busy not more then usual but for some reason today I felt so on edge.
I have been feeling so up and down lately I don’t know one day to the next how I’m going to feel. I managed to at least get one or two things sorted that I’ve been trying to do all week so that’s something off my mind. The rest is playing hell up with my anxiety and I’m trying so desperately now to get help with the thing that’s bothering me so much. Only a few people know what it is and someone trying to help me by chasing things up doesn’t have a clue. I feel guilty she’s trying to help me but I’m being very cagey about what I say. I don’t trust people easily and she’s not an easy person to figure out. One minute I’m doing everything wrong the next I’m doing everything right. She’s being nice to me and she helping me and she’s expressing concern about me. A few weeks ago her comments were upsetting me.
The thing with me my worst downfall is I take things way too personally. I try too hard to take care of others and be there for others. When I need someone I’m alone and there’s no-one there. I’m afraid of people reading all this stuff I write and never speaking to me again. Friends say I can talk to them about stuff but where do I start? Stuff going back years ago I can’t talk about. I can’t say the words. For fucks sake come on I’m nearly 32 and I can’t even type the words. Why am I so bloody scared to talk about it? If these people are my friends they won’t walk away but what if they do? What if I spend all this time with people and then they find out my story and walk off and leave me? I’m so closed off but wish I wasn’t. I’m so stupidly terrified of leaning on these people that support me and then having absolutely no-one around if they either leave their job or move to other areas of the county.
I took a few brave steps myself and tried to contact professionals to get help but I’m still waiting for replies. I read someone’s blog post and I was amazed at her bravery to open up and tell her story. It was her release. She has positive comments on it too. I had to share it I envy her bravery and strength and courage. She’s younger then me too. I’m just a wuss, even hiding in front of a tablet screen I still can’t say the words or write the words or find the courage to tell people my story.