I just don’t know

There is so much going on in my life I don’t know how to figure it out. There are meetings for my eldest son, paperwork to read through and things to sort out with school. Then there’s physio for my youngest son, feeling daft posting photos of him rolling over and being on all 4’s for for first time without support. They are big achievements for him but I’m so afraid of people not getting it and muttering under their breath about be thinking it’s pathetic.

 There’s people being nice to me when a few weeks ago they were slagging me off behind my back. I don’t get it I can’t work it out. Is it because someone’s said something to her? Is it because I’ve been feeling so down and I’ve been so tearful she just feels sorry for me? Or is she genuine? 

I can’t talk to her about the things I need to talk about because she doesn’t know what’s going on and I can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone. That’s why I feel so alone. That’s why things are getting too much. Quite a sad and lonely life to sit here blogging every night just so it feels like I’m getting things off my chest. I just feel I have no-one. 

Things happen for a reason but I need to know what the reason is. Is it meant to be a test to see if I can survive on my own? Is it a test to see what support I actually need? Or is it a test to make me open up to more people? Get things said? 


Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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