I had a meeting today with a key worker for my eldest son for support with his autism. I will get help for him at school and help for me chasing people up. I think I got on ok , I was missing the support as I think I forgot some information or possibly missed out some info that should have been mentioned. No matter what I do or how far things progress with myself, I find now I’m having to mention my mental health to all these people. Why do they need to know?! Why do I have to keep bringing it up? I’ll never feel better if I have to keep mentioning it.
Now more people know and then school will know. Then my sister who works at the school and then she will know. Then my family will know and bang goes my privacy and my wanting to keep it to myself. It will only bring them talking about me behind me back. Judging me and telling each other little stories about me and thinking they knew all along.
They don’t know shit about me. They don’t know what goes on in my life or how I feel broken. They don’t know that things upset me and it takes days to get over. They don’t know how much I hate myself for feeling like this. How much I wish I was normal. Yes I’m embarrassed and I’m ashamed. Mostly because I was doing ok for quite a while but now I’m back to being low. I don’t want to feel like this I want my fight back but first I have a long difficult road ahead of me. I have to face up to things I can’t bury them away. I only wish I could. I wish I didn’t have to rely on people like I do. I wish the little things didn’t upset me but they do. I hate it. I hate depression and I hate anxiety.