Always looking back


I’m constantly remembering all the worst dates around my youngest son and his diagnosis. It’s a year ago I found out the extent of his heart defect after thinking for 4 weeks that he was fine. I remember how I felt, I remember going to the hospital alone and feeling totally out of control. Feeling so completely devastated and alone. I don’t want to remember I want to think about now and how fantastic he’s doing but also how I always doubt my instinct. I still need reassurance that I’m doing the right thing, it’s upsetting. I’m suppose to trust my mothers instinct but I still can’t. It’s upsetting that I needed someone to tell me I was doing the right thing to try get him in at the Drs. I should know this I’m his mum. 


I couldn’t trust my instinct a year ago I thought I’d moved on and got past this clearly I haven’t. My baby was sick and I didn’t know before he was admitted to hospital. My baby has an ear infection and I didn’t realise it’s not serious he’s not extremely poorly but I didn’t know. How did I not notice? How did I not know? I want to be the one to know when he needs an apointment not rely on other people. I nearly didn’t phone up he nearly didn’t get seen but when he’s got a heart defect although hes been given the all clear he still needs antibiotics right away if he has an infection. I wish I had my instinct, I wish I’d not had a crap week I feel so guilty that it might be why I didn’t realise he was ill. 

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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