I’ve always said I can’t always trust my instincts when it comes to my youngest son. I always second guess if there’s something wrong with him. I hate thinking I’m wasting the Drs time when appointments aren’t easy to get. I knew in the back of my mind there was something wrong with my boy. He was pulling both ears. Coughing and had a high temperature and he was off his food. I knew this wasn’t just teething. I put off thinking about it all day Sunday. After such a terrible nights sleep with him and him being so hot I wasn’t going to put it off any longer. I can’t take any chances with him if he has an infection he needs seeing straight away. I still wasn’t sure what exactly was wrong but something was.
I phoned NHS 111 and had a a telephone assessment. Explained what was wrong and his heart defect that had been repaired. They said call back within 2 hours,. 45 mins later they agree that he needs to be seen. So a trip to the nearest out for hours it was for us. We decided to make a day of it with us going 20 miles out that way.
I got to the NHS out of hours and the go introduced himself and I explain the symptoms. He asked me if he is cutting teeth and how many children I have. That pissed me off I’m not an overbearing mother that takes her kids to the Drs over nothing especially if I’m traveling by train from my town.
So I decide to stay polite and say yes he’s cutting teeth and I have 2 children him being my youngest. I knew what this bloke was thinking “he’s teething nothing wrong” “she’s attention seeking” he goes through checking him. Temperature 37.7, ears inflamed, throat inflamed, chest clear. Looked at the scar down his chest and said “oh he’s had an operation” yes he bloody well has. So no I’m not an over paranoid mother and no I’m not an attention seeker and no I’m not making it up. For one my instinct was right despite being made to feel like I was being dramatic. Ear infection in both ears and a throat infection not teething pain.
Imagine if you were in my shoes giving birth to a healthy first baby then your second child having a heart defect. Imagine the stress, imagine the worry. Imagine thinking when your baby has surgery that you won’t ever see him again. Imagine kissing him goodbye not knowing if he will wake up from his operation. Well imagine that then you can get a feel,of what I lived through. I envy people with healthy babies, I envy the fact that these people, with healthy babies don’t have to worry about infections and cardiologists. I envy that these peoples babies are walking and crawling and my baby at 13 nearly 14 months isn’t crawling and needs physio. Enjoy your healthy babies and don’t take anything for granted.
I feel terribly guilty for saying this but I was dreading the school holidays coming up. 2 weeks at home 5 days a week with both my children. I love both my boys but the eldest being (undiagnosed) autistic I knew he would hate the change in routine. I was right the first 2 days he played hell up, he hated being out of routine. Meltdowns over all sorts, snapping at me for seemingly no reason. He had been extremely difficult to please despite me taking him out and making cakes and re decorating his bedroom to how he wanted it.
I find it hard to cope with an autistic child you need the patience of a saint I don’t have that. Admittedly I lost my temper with him I shouted at him for throwing his tablet on the floor in a meltdown. He hates shouting I know this but I lost my calm and I couldn’t see any other way of getting through to him. Afterwards I sat and cried I felt like the worlds worst mother, but I spent all day bending over backwards to keep him happy but nothing I did seemed to be good enough.
It came as a massive relief when my friend V told me she had no kids Friday night so I suggested we did something with our friend L. L decided that she didn’t fancy doing anything so me and V decided we’d go to for a night out. This was my first night out in almost 2 years. I was stressing over what to wear, did I wear what I’d worn all day or change into something dressier? I decided to stay in what I was wearing and shoved some heels on. I had a good night, I throughly enjoyed it. I had a few moments of anxiety but I soon resolved them. I just didn’t realise how exhausted I’d be after a night out. I’m not normally so exhausted after socialising but I was Saturday morning. I got up and carried on doing what I had planned to do.
First thing in the morning I went in to see my eldest son he snapped at me again. So I thought “oh great here we go again” I didn’t want yet another day of this. Well by the end of the day we actually had a pretty good day with him. So much difference in one day. I can only hope it continues after the weekend when it’s just me and the kids again. It’s such hard work having an autistic child. Some other parents without being through won’t understand it they see it as him being naughty not getting what he wants. He can’t express his emotions so can’t tell me what’s going on and even thought I feel like I should know because I’m his mother I don’t even know what’s going on.
I’m hoping that this next week flies by even though there’s no support in place due to the bank holiday its ether going to make me or break me. It’s going to still be a difficult few weeks because school are implementing changes. My son doesn’t like change so it’s going to reflect on his behaviour at home and possibly at school.
Ive been thinking about forgiveness, I read somewhere that if you can’t forgive someone for their mistakes you will never be able to move on or move forward. What if someone’s mistake caused and still does so much pain and heartache? What if their mistake ruined your life and changed who you are.
I can’t forgive and I can’t forget about what happened and I will never forgive or forget either. No matter how much counselling I have or how I get my life back I will never forgive because to me that means it wasn’t ever that important or that it had no effect on my life. One day maybe I’ll be able to talk about it without crying, without feeling like it was it all my fault. That’s how it makes you feel, you question everything. Over think everything and play memories back in your head like your watching tv.
I moved on in my own way once before burying things so deep inside my mind they didn’t resurface for years. I will get my life back again and I won’t live in fear or in the shadows of my mistakes. Some mistakes can be forgiven others cannot. I didn’t get help when I needed it back then but I’ve got the help I need now and i will use it. I’ll need to. I want to move past all that’s bad and have a bright future. I want to lay all the demons and ghosts to rest somthey can no longer haunt me. I will get through this, I need to get through this. I need to get over this major low point, get my life back and kick this depressions arse.
Will you still love me when I am crying under the covers?
When I feel like a failure?
When dark thoughts swarm my mind and I ignore you? When I tell you I’m fine but you know I’m lying? When I’m so angry and confused that I want it all to end?
Will you still love me when I cannot love myself?
Being persistent pays off endless phone calls, emails and leaving messages for people pays off. Only trouble is now I’m crapping myself. I wanted, no needed to get some help and in 4 weeks I will be.
Only now I’m thinking “oh shit what have I done?” I am going to have to talk about things I haven’t talked about in 14 years. I am pretty terrified. I am going to need some courage and some strength to get through it. I am going to have to be strong and get this done so I can move forward and not look back anymore.
I hope with all that is in me that this will help and that it won’t all be for nothing, it’s 4 weeks away so I have time to prepare myself for it. I know I need to do this but I am so scared it’s not just counselling it’s opening old wounds that never healed.
Song lyrics that I kind of identified myself with, words I wish I had come up with myself.
“Here I am once again I’m torn into pieces, can’t deny it, can’t pretend, now all that’s left of me is what i pretend to be. So together but so broken up inside. But you don’t see the tears I’ve cried behind these hazel eyes. Swallowed me then spit me out for hating you I blame myself. Seeing you it kills me now no I don’t cry on the outside anymore”
“So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight but I’m just suriving and I may be weak but I’m never defeated and i’ll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining. Most days I try my best to put on a brave face but inside my bones are cold and my heart breaks but all the while somethings keeping me safe and alive”
I hope that the above quote will apply to me, I keep being told I’m stronger then I think I’d love to know where these people are looking. I didn’t have the strength when I needed to talk. When I needed support with my youngest it was only because by chance I was seen crying my guard was already down. That’s not strength. It’s not strong to run and hide when you can’t face someone. It’s not strength to have a panic attack when you see someone you really don’t want to see or have a panic attack at the prospect of seeing them. I don’t have strength in me, but I need to do this. I need to get my life back. No more panic attacks, no more tears. This fear and this hatred and blaming myself has gone on long enough. .
So normally all my posts are me ranting about how crap I feel etc but I just had to come on and share my excitement tonight.
We had friends round and I cooked a meal for us after we had eaten I was on the floor with my youngest and he moved himself to try get on all 4’s. He couldn’t do this before as he hasn’t got the strength to do it. I supported him in crawling position and he actually tried to crawl. He tried moving himself. I was so happy and excited and proud I could have burst. Once he has some physio and builds his muscles up he’s gonna be off. I look forward to the day I can video him crawling it will be such a massive thing for him.
My friend saw him and it was so lovely and meant so much that she saw him and shared in my excitement. Such a proud mummy tonight ❤️
Do you ever ask yourself the same question over and over? Like why things happen the way they do? I believe everything happens for a reason although sometimes I wish I didn’t because I’ll never know that reason. I know the choices I’ve made have lead to me where I am now, they lead me to my husband who annoys me more then any other human on this planet but yet I wouldn’t be without him. It’s lead me to having 2 beautiful children each with their own issues but to me they are perfect. I was given this life for a reason. I made those choices and things happened for a reason but I still need to know why. Why did I choose to do make the choices I did? Why do they have a profound affect on my life now not just when it happened. Why didn’t I do things differently?
As always I’m over thinking everything, hopefully soon enough I’ll feel better about my past and concentrate on the present and future instead of looking back. I hate relying on people for help but I have to, I can’t rely on myself. I need these people to push my boundaries and kinda take some decisions out of my hands and help me along the way. If it was down to me without someone pushing me and helping me I’d never get the help I should have had years ago.
I’m gonna have to prove to myself that I still have enough fight in me to overcome my past and move on. It’s haunted me long enough and once I start counselling it’s time to lay that ghost to rest.
In the meantime I need to find me again because I seem to have lost my way a little bit again. I need to find that strength I had last time to not let things overcome my emotions and my mind.
My friends are very supportive I just sometimes wish I could be more open with them. Or be myself around them instead who I feel I need to be.
I have my person, my best friend, my sister the one person in my whole life I can tell everything to. The one person who knows me more then anyone else including my husband. The first person I tell everything to before anyone else. I have another friend I find I’m getting closer to aswell which is nice. It’s rare to find two people who you can be around so much and not get bored of their company. two people who I cannot say a bad word about. I don’t like many people, people annoy me but when I like someone I appreciate the things they do big or small.
Anyway for tonight I’m signing off I just needed to try write to clear these thoughts out my mind I know it’s all waffle but if it’s helps me I don’t care.