When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened.
Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If they would think it’s my fault.
I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?