Well the time is getting closer to my youngest having to go for a check up with the cardiologist and paediatrician on Thursday. My mood has been really good up until today I feel like I’m dipping down through not wanting to go on Thursday. I’ve been a little tearful today in honesty but I’m trying very hard not to get too down as I’ve been doing so incredibly well lately.
I know somewhere deep inside my mind that the little one is doing just fine and it’s just a routine check up but there’s just that horrible doubt in me that something could be wrong and I haven’t noticed like the time he was admitted to hospital and ended up having his op. He looked fine to me and everyone else who saw him. I need a distraction and I’m struggling to find one. I don’t want to go to the appointment alone but I’m going to have to. I’m actually pretty nervous and scared about going. I really want to be excited for Friday because its the little ones first birthday and it’s going to be a wonderful day for him and for us. Right now I can’t be excited because I can’t see past the check up. It’s been so long and I’ve loved not having any appointments to go to for 5 months it’s been bliss the longest time I’ve had since he was born with no check ups to go to. It’s like he was like all the children for that short time.
I’m not ready to have a 1 year old because off all the stress and anxiety and everything I’ve had to deal with since the baby was a day old I couldn’t enjoy his newborn days I feel like I’ve completely missed out on enjoying having a new baby. There was just so much to think about and worry about and sort out. In my mind he’s only 5 months old because that’s the only time Ive been able to enjoy having another baby. What’s happened with him has completely put me off ever having any more children so I’ve missed out on so much of his life and I’ll never get that chance with another baby again. This is the life I’ve been given so I guess no point dwelling on what have been and just enjoy the next steps in his life. So many things to look forward to and I can’t wait til the day I see that little boy of mine walk or crawl I’ll probably cry tears of joy.
I’m hoping and praying Thursday goes well and I can once again forget about hospitals for another few months again and go back to feeling stronger like I was before. I haven’t dipped majorly which is good I just feel a little down and very anxious about it. I need everyone to keep their fingers crossed cause I really need good news.