Today started off pretty normal. I did the school run then I’d arranged to meet a friend for a catch up in town coffee and chat etc. I’d gone to town early to get my nails fixed (the gel was lifting) pretty pointless info really but it it’s all part of my day. So anyway nails got fixed I had a wander to some shops and bought myself and my littlest one a biscuit. I went to sit on a bench to eat them. I moved to a nearby shop to use their wifi as I had no signal to look up a phone number I needed then went back to the exact bench I’d sat on 10 mins before.
If I had chosen a different bench or gone in to that shop a few mins later then I did my day could have been so much better but life has a funny way of kicking you back down. I looked up from my sons pushchair and wasn’t expecting to see the person I did. I kind of froze then panic set in i jumped from the bench and ran as far away from town centre as I could. I ended up sitting by the river for a few mins. I rang my best friend but she didn’t answer. I needed to talk to someone so I rang someone else but no answer. I ended up ringing the friend I was meeting in floods of tears asking if I could meet her anywhere but town. With her saying yes I walked and ran from one end of the town to the other in tears and panic.
I got to her house she immediately took control, she got my baby out his pushchair and got him some toys to play with, she told me breathe and take my coat off. I couldn’t focus right I was in tears and I was in panic mode. My anxiety was sky high. She just hugged me tight and told me let it all out. So I did, I cried on her shoulder for a good 5 mins. We chatted about stuff all day and I cried for most of the day. She was totally understanding and told me it’s better to cry then hold it all in. I’d cried so much I felt so drained and my head hurt and my eyes were fuzzy.
Once I went to pick my eldest son up from school I had to act like nothing was wrong makes it hard when I still needed to cry. I rang my best friend again this evening while my kids were out the room and cried once again. I’m sitting here still feeling incredibly raw. I hate how it makes me feel. I’m terrified and I’m vulnerable. It’s been so long but it still has this effect on me. My decision about counselling has been made for me and I was doing so well with only a few very minor blips over the last few weeks.
Everytime I try to sort myself out something brings me back down with a massive bump. I feel so out of control and so emotional. I can’t stop crying now I’m alone. I want to be alone but I don’t it doesn’t even make sense. I don’t know what I feel, I don’t understand it. Maybe this has made me realise i can’t bury it away like I thought I could