Bad day 

Today started off pretty normal. I did the school run then I’d arranged to meet a friend for a catch up in town coffee and chat etc. I’d gone to town early to get my nails fixed (the gel was lifting) pretty pointless info really but it it’s all part of my day. So anyway nails got fixed I had a wander to some shops and bought myself and my littlest one a biscuit. I went to sit on a bench to eat them. I moved to a nearby shop to use their wifi as I had no signal to look up a phone number I needed then went back to the exact bench I’d sat on 10 mins before. 

If I had chosen a different bench or gone in to that shop a few mins later then I did my day could have been so much better but life has a funny way of kicking you back down. I looked up from my sons pushchair and wasn’t expecting to see the person I did. I kind of froze then panic set in i jumped from the bench and ran as far away from town centre as I could. I ended up sitting by the river for a few mins. I rang my best friend but she didn’t answer. I needed to talk to someone so I rang someone else but no answer. I ended up ringing the friend I was meeting in floods of tears asking if I could meet her anywhere but town. With her saying yes I walked and ran from one end of the town to the other in tears and panic. 

I got to her house she immediately took control, she got my baby out his pushchair and got him some toys to play with, she told me breathe and take my coat off. I couldn’t focus right I was in tears and I was in panic mode. My anxiety was sky high. She just hugged me tight and told me let it all out. So I did, I cried on her shoulder for a good 5 mins. We chatted about stuff all day and I cried for most of the day. She was totally understanding and told me it’s better to cry then hold it all in. I’d cried so much I felt so drained and my head hurt and my eyes were fuzzy. 

Once I went to pick my eldest son up from school I had to act like nothing was wrong makes it hard when I still needed to cry. I rang my best friend again this evening while my kids were out the room and cried once again. I’m sitting here still feeling incredibly raw. I hate how it makes me feel. I’m terrified and I’m vulnerable. It’s been so long but it still has this effect on me.  My decision about counselling has been made for me and I was doing so well with only a few very minor blips over the last few weeks. 

Everytime I try to sort myself out something brings me back down with a massive bump. I feel so out of control and so emotional. I can’t stop crying now I’m alone. I want to be alone but I don’t it doesn’t even make sense. I don’t know what I feel, I don’t understand it. Maybe this has made me realise i can’t bury it away like I thought I could 


Taking things to heart 

I tried very hard today not to let someone’s comments about my parenting bother me but it upset me and the person saying this things only knows me in a baby group setting and by the information I share with her which isn’t a lot. These people hardly know me but still choose to make comments possibly without thinking how it can affect the person they say it too.

I’ve overcome much worse in my life but I’ve had enough going on without people making out I’m a bad parent. I try my hardest every single day to be the best mum I possibly can to my children and some days it’s easier then others. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be perfect but I believe I’m a good mum. I put my children first in every decision I make every day. With everything I’ve had to deal with I’ll admit I’ve done things wrong. And probably made some things harder for myself but with the life I’ve been given I believed at that time it was the right thing to do.

I was reduced to tears today because I just feel that this person is making me feel like nothing I do is good enough nothing I do is right. I can’t go somewhere to be made to feel like this. I have worked my arse off to feel better and I don’t want to get dragged back down again. I’ve got some great friendships and people have been so incredibly understanding and even the people I’ve only known for a few months have been great. 

So I do things differently, so I’ve made mistakes. I am only human. People are so quick to judge me but they haven’t lived my life and they aren’t the ones trying to deal with things like I am.

I needed to get a good sleep at night and I needed to know my little boy was safe and to me that meant he slept in my bed and still does now. I still have anxiety issues I need to work on but it’s one more thing to overcome when he goes into his own room. Advice I can take on board criticism I can’t.

My worry about speaking out about this upsetting me is people thinking I’m being over sensitive because I suffer from depression. Feeling stupid because someone upset me over such stupid little things. But all  those stupid little things add up and it plays in my mind and it gets to me. They don’t hear the comments I get about a one year old not crawling, they don’t see the judgemental looks I get when I say my one year old can’t crawl or the looks I get when my 5 year old struggles in a setting and he can’t express his emotions and gets frustrated. I wanted to speak someone so I did and she has known me a year now and has helped me through everything she’s not a friend but a professional person. She said she had no concerns at all over what I’m doing if she did she’s bold enough to say it to me.

I do feel stupid for ringing her but I needed to talk to someone about how I felt. I’m lucky that if I continue to feel the way I do that she will help me and get it resolved.

 I don’t want to stop going places I get support from and a place where I did made 2 new friendships and helped an existing friendship become stronger but if she makes me feel like crap anymore I will just stop going.

The past 

When I was 17 and in my second year of college I made some really stupid decisions some that had no effect on my life, but I  made one very very catastrophic decision that changed my life forever and it also kind of ruined my life at the same time. I’m now almost 32 and until recently I’d buried this secret inside of me somewhere for 12 years ago he first two years it ate me up inside and I couldn’t deal with it. I starved myself as a way of coping, I pushed people away and didn’t talk to anyone about what happened. 

Recently with other things going on in my life I trusted someone else with this secret I buried I wrote everything down and convinced myself and them that I was fine about it. I wasn’t but in a way I was. Even more recently I wasn’t fine about it all in fact suffering with depression and finding out things about my past coming back to light started my downward spiral and it was then a few months ago I was told to go on meds. I was also referred for counselling. I was pretty low and the lowest I’d been for a long time. I cried every day even more then ever before, I had anxiety attacks or panic attacks. I avoided going to places I’d normally go all because of one person and the decision I’d made. I also had to get more support from the people already supporting me and that meant yet another person knowing my secret. Scared of being judged and treated differently or talked about behind my back. Scared of another person knowing and wondering what they must think of me and wondering If  they would think it’s my fault.

I’ve made fantastic progress over the last few weeks it’s like those very bad few weeks never happened since i got my fight back. I was referred for the counselling when i was in an extremely bad place and I agreed to it thinking it was time to talk about things. I’m not sure I can anymore, I’m not sure I can go through with the counselling because I don’t think I can go over things from the past now I’m feeling so good. If I’m honest with myself I’m scared of bringing it up, scared of talking to a complete stranger about things and I’m scared of how it will make me feel. I’m scared of confronting it and talking about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m that 17 year old again re living it and undoing all the hard work I’ve put into feeling better and getting my life back on track. What do I do? What if I’m never ready? What if I can’t do it? Do I go ahead with the counselling either in a few weeks or months or not at all? Can I really avoid this forever? Can I really go on through life ignoring it and what affect it had on me?

No more babies

After having my first son I always said I wouldn’t have anymore children. My circumstances were different back then I had spilt up from my partner before our son was born. Even though I said no more children I always kept his cot just in case. Then in 2015 I decided I wanted another baby this time around I’m married I’m more secure and things were gonna be different. Me and my partner got back together when our son was 7 months old got engaged and got married. After all I’ve been through with my youngest as much as I love him I couldn’t do it again. It’s put me off having more children even though I’d maybe have had one more.

The final nail in the coffin in that decision is selling the cot I once held onto for 4 years before having another child. I feel sad because it’s almost official now. No more babies from me 😢

An autistic child.

Almost all of my posts have been related to my youngest son his heart defect and how I’ve been feeling. This one is slightly different. This is about my eldest child who is at full time school in reception.

I’ve always known my eldest was a bit different in the way he reacted to certain situations he never liked the sound of the Hoover, my hair dryer freaked him out and he never liked noisy children. When he was in nursery the staff told me he was possibly autistic I still dont really know what Autism is, how it comes about or how you deal with it.

All I know is my son is loving and kind and funny and cheeky but he hates noise, he can’t cope in large groups of people, he doesn’t get other children and prefers the company of adults. When he can’t tell us how he’s feeling he gets very frustrated and has a meltdown this could be over something small but to him it’s affecting him. A meltdown could be crying, getting angry, throwing things or hurting himself somehow. He gets very distressed and sometimes I have to admit it’s frustrating and can be annoying.

The most annoying thing is when I don’t know how to help him, how to stop him having a meltdown or how to calm him down when he’s having a meltdown. Sometimes I find distraction helps him other times he needs to go somewhere and be on his own.

In social situations it’s extremely difficult to help him when you feel people’s eyes burning at you. Looking at you, watching you, judging you. Sometimes they talk behind your back, sometimes they laugh and it’s hard and it’s annoying and frustrating for me as an adult when they do that. So when my son is distressed it’s not him being naughty it’s not him being a little shit or a brat. It’s him not being able to cope with his surroundings so he has to have an outburst. It’s his only way of coping when he gets so frustrated and stressed.

I feel like a bad parent sometimes not knowing how to cope with it  by getting stressed out and sometimes I’ve angry when he has these outburst or meltdowns. But to be fair to myself I was in a bad place at first myself. 

Now I’m having to re learn how to be a mum to him. How to not make the situation worse. To constantly reassure him that I love him and I will help him however I can. It just means I have to have a different kind of support team around me again aswell as my existing support. I need and want to be the best possible mum I can be to him but I need help to do that for him. I want to learn about autism and I want to learn how to help cope in his surroundings and learn how to help him tell me how he’s feeling. I’ll do whatever i can for him and get all the help I can. Ask the right questions and get the right help so he doesn’t miss out on things he can’t cope with.

If anyone reading this can offer any advice I’d be grateful if you could share thoughts on how to cope. How to help, what works what doesn’t.

I feel like a new person 

Everything a year ago in honesty was pretty shit I was having an extremely tough time coping alone. I’d been through hell and back. But today I feel like a new person. Something I never thought I’d say again.

I’m actually loving my life right now things feel so great. I have some great support around me and I have a couple of new friendships that blossomed from the place I go for support and I’m actually enjoying spending time with my friends. I text or message them on a daily basis I arrange plans and keep them. I’ve been spending time alone and letting my husband do more with the boys. 

All trivial things to someone else but massive achievements to me. I’ve had 2 nights “out” drinks at a friends house leaving the kids in bed. I actually have a social life. It’s an Incredible feeling. In 5 weeks I’ve completely turned my life around. I feel so different so much better and a little bit more confident.

I couldn’t spend time alone at all now I actually enjoy coming home and spending time with the baby on my own. I’m eating more and  I haven’t skipped a meal for the last few weeks. I love the change in me and I’m glad it’s not going unnoticed. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and I don’t want anything to change that. Before the baby’s check  up I couldn’t look to the future I had a year of uncertainty. A year of wondering what was next but I just love each day as it comes now. I feel like I have made massive improvements to my life and how I think and feel. 

I’ve made huge accomplishments like going out without make up on a few times. Caring less about having to do my hair. Wearing different styles of clothing I never had the confidence to wear. I haven’t done this alone I’ve had a great support network behind me while I get my life back. One person is missing and we are missing her but I hope that one day when she’s feeling better she will come see us again. But I hope she knows that she’s helped me so much along with others. I’m enjoying my life and I hope it’s gonna stay this way. 

It’s all down to the people I have around me without them I don’t know where i’d be but it wouldn’t be here where I am now doing what I’m doing now. They are so incredible. 

What’s it’s like to have a CHD child 

I saw this on patches heart group on Facebook and wanted to share it. ❤️

Whats it like to have a child with a CHD ……
Its cocktails of medications …

Its wondering “WHY”

Its monitors and oxygen

Its feeding tubes

Its calories and weight gain

Its the drama of eating

Its the first time I held her

Its knowing that I need help

Its making a hospital a home for a while

Its seeing my reward in every smile

Its checking sats

Its caths, xrays, and bloods

Its thinking is she blue

Its cringing inside what shes been through

Its dozens of calls to her doc

Its winter and hand sanitizer

Its knowing this journey has made me wiser and humble

Its watching her sleep

Its surgery days

Its handing her over

Its knowing her heart must be repaired

Its waiting for news

Its praying

Its hoping

Its the bond we share

Its that long faded scar

Touching it and knowing we are blessed

Its their lives that remind us we still need to fight

Its finding the strength to have hope for tomorrow

And we’ll never be the same

Its changed me and my family

Some people have distanced themselves from us

Some people stop asking because everyday is a new challenge

This is what we face each day

This is a CHD child

This is MY CHD child and if I go on about the simple things she does its because every morning when she wakes up it is one hell of an achievement

And I’m so proud of my heart warrior.