Fighting back

My last post was a while ago when I felt like I’d completely failed myself. I agreed to meds because I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak and defeated. I took the meds for 13 days and I felt awful. I know they can take a few weeks to get into your system but I felt like shit all the time. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was drained of energy and I was tired and yawning all time. I decided enough is enough. As one of my closest friends would say “fuck this shit.” I made the decision to get my life back. No more meds I want to do this my way like I wanted all along. I’ve set myself some goals and do you know what it’s only been since Thursday but I feel amazing. 

The thing that kicked me into touch was a review I had with a support worker I was suppose to be feeling so much better by now and I wasn’t. So the fight in me came back and I feel alive again. I am so ready to start living again and beat this depression. I’m not stupid enough to believe it’s gonna go away just like that or that it won’t take some time. I have to go through counselling which is going to be extremely tough but I’m gonna prove to everyone who ever doubted me that I’m back.  

The change in me from a week is amazing, I feel amazing and I’m proud of myself for my achievements I’ve made this week. These might seem very small in comparison to others but to me they are important and huge things for me to achieve. After avoiding places for so long I went and did the things I needed to do, I can’t say I didn’t feel a bit anxious because I did. But I did it. I faced it and overcame it. I went to a friends daughters birthday party on Saturday and anxiety didn’t play any part of my mind being there, I handled things I think quite well. On Sunday normally my lazy day I got a text short notice asking if my kids wanted to play on the park. So I got dressed didn’t bother with my hair or make up and went to the park with my kids and some friends and their kids. Then I ate a meal in front of them (something I would have normally avoided in fear of being watched.) 

I feel like the fight in me has come back. My reason to fight is just to prove that I can do this and get over depression with no meds. I’m proving to myself I can do it as I’m doing things I wouldn’t normally do because i lacked the confidence or I had too much fear. The dark cloud that’s been hanging over me Is finally going and I can’t say how that makes me feel other then happy and relieved. I’m sleeping better, trying to eat better and actually eating something twice a day (another massive difference in me) 

Another massive step was getting my youngest undressed at a group in front of everyone to do messy play in just his nappy. I’ve always been wary of people seeing his scar and his chest in fear of too many questions. No-one said anything, maybe no-one noticed, maybe they did but they were all too busy having fun but I felt incredibly proud of myself for that. 

I definitely have my spirit back, I feel like I can do this at long last. No more tears, no more irritated behaviour, I don’t feel drained, I don’t feel overly tired just normal tired, I don’t feel anxious. I’m making plans with friends, I’m spending more time at home and actually enjoying it. I’m letting my hubby do more with the kids and spending more time alone. It means so much to me that I’m doing all this off my own back no-one is forcing me to push myself and no-one is telling me I’m wrong and I should have stuck to the meds. This means so much to me because it’s clear to me that it all down to me and I’m doing it not meds controlling my emotions. 
For the people who support me wether it’s because it’s their job, or they volunteer or they are my friends this is only possible because of the help they have given me. I’ll never forgot what they have all done for me and how I’m finally getting my life back because of the difference they have made to my life. The weights been lifted and I’m finally getting set free. 🙂💜

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 33 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 6 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest is 2 and has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

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