On a high

My friend and I got together today and I did her hair for her. When I was 16 I trained for 3 years to be a hairdresser I loved every second of it. It’s definitely my thing. So she said she wanted her hair colouring and I jumped straight in and said I’d do it for her. I loved it, I enjoyed it so much it was like being 16 again before any of the bad things happened. She has such long hair it’s like right down her back and she wanted 2 colours so first I applied the brown colour to the top section then pre lightened the underneath and applied a purple Live colour. Then after washing it I cut it for her too. I had so much fun and she really loved the end result. Her smile was amazing I’ve not seen her smile like that for a long time and I did that. Me! I made her smile so beautifully and happy. That’s made my day just doing her hair just made me feel so high. I just wish I could do that every day i’d never feel down or low again. 

My husband looked after my boys which I’m very grateful for so I could get on with what I wanted to do. Because I’ve been feeling so good we’ve been getting on so much better. We don’t do lovey dovey (well I don’t) we jokingly insult each other it’s our thing. Things have been so great in all areas of my life it’s hard to believe I was ever in such a bad place. I know things won’t be this easy forever or every day but I’m loving all the good days I’m having. Makes up for all the crap down days I’ve had. 

My littlest boys birthday is a week tomorrow I’m so excited for it but at the same time I’m not ready. I missed his newborn days/months because I couldn’t enjoy him as a tiny baby because of all the fear that consumed me. Him turning one brings an end to the extremely hard year I’ve had and brings forward the next chapter in our lives. I have so many more “firsts” to look forward to. First Birthday, First steps, first day at nursery, first girlfriend and more. I’m looking forward to celebrating his birthday and bringing to end the year of hell. 

Poem

Hiding the hurt, hiding the pain

Hiding the tears that fall like rain

Saying I’m fine when I’m anything but

This ache in my soul that rips at my gut

My skin is on fire I burn from within

This calm on my face is an ongoing sin

The world must stay out I’ve built up a wall

My fragile world will collapse should it fall

Loneliness consumes me, it takes away years

Until my life is filled with unending fears

I’m waiting for someone to see I wear a mask and caring enough to to remove it

Is that too much to ask?

This was a few weeks back when I felt so low. I’m glad now that I don’t feel that way and the mask is no longer on.

Continuing with my positivity I’ve been having more time alone but feeling slightly guilty I guess it comes from not being used to it but the more I do it the better it will feel.

I haven’t dipped with my mood as of yet had a really good couple of weeks so the more I feel better the stronger I feel. I’m loving all the positive changes in me and I think now other people are noticing them too which can only be a good thing. Just a few weeks ago I couldn’t see me ever feeling like this again. I was in a very dark and very bad place in my head. I felt so lost and lonely. I felt like giving up and running away and I felt like I had failed. Now I’m feeling stronger and I have my fighting sprit back and now more then ever I feel like I’m ready to beat this, face my past and fight my demons. I can and will do this even though there’s a long road ahead I’m ready. I will come out of this even stronger and happier and able to move on.

 

Feeling stronger

Since I made the decision to get my life back I’ve been feeling so much better and stronger. I feel amazing. I’m pushing myself in a good way to see what my limits are. I find I’m being more open about the youngest and the depression I had recently. I’ve not been such a closed book and I feel like being able to talk about stuff is what’s helping me feel that bit stronger. 

It’s nice feeling like the dark cloud I had looming over me for so long is finally going. I feel more positive and what’s on the inside must be showing on the outside because I’m being told how well I look.  I honestly can’t believe the change in me from how I felt a few weeks ago. I definitely feel like my spirit is back. I’m actually doing things on my own with support for back up. It feels so good knowing it’s not fake or forced when I’m smiling now it’s genuine how I feel is genuine. I also feel like I’m dealing with things around me alot easier. It’s easier to make and keep plans with friends, I spend more time at home which I feel quite proud of myself for because a few months ago I couldn’t be at home for any length of time. I let my husband do more with the kids now then I did before which speaks volumes in my world. 

So far I haven’t dipped down but I feel that if I do I’m strong enough to cope and pull myself through it. I’m eating quite well too which I feel is another dramatic change in me. A few weeks ago I felt weak, I felt defeated and I’d lost myself completely. I’d felt extremely low I’d not felt like that in a long time. Now I feel so much better and dare I say it I feel happy and content within myself. I feel secure about how I’m feeling and how I’m handling things. I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life and celebrating my little superheroes birthday in less then 2 weeks. I look forward to the day I can say I’m over it all and how I used to be depressed. I’m getting there and that day doesn’t feel too far away anymore. 

 Fighting back

My last post was a while ago when I felt like I’d completely failed myself. I agreed to meds because I didn’t feel strong, I felt weak and defeated. I took the meds for 13 days and I felt awful. I know they can take a few weeks to get into your system but I felt like shit all the time. I wasn’t sleeping well, I was drained of energy and I was tired and yawning all time. I decided enough is enough. As one of my closest friends would say “fuck this shit.” I made the decision to get my life back. No more meds I want to do this my way like I wanted all along. I’ve set myself some goals and do you know what it’s only been since Thursday but I feel amazing. 

The thing that kicked me into touch was a review I had with a support worker I was suppose to be feeling so much better by now and I wasn’t. So the fight in me came back and I feel alive again. I am so ready to start living again and beat this depression. I’m not stupid enough to believe it’s gonna go away just like that or that it won’t take some time. I have to go through counselling which is going to be extremely tough but I’m gonna prove to everyone who ever doubted me that I’m back.  

The change in me from a week is amazing, I feel amazing and I’m proud of myself for my achievements I’ve made this week. These might seem very small in comparison to others but to me they are important and huge things for me to achieve. After avoiding places for so long I went and did the things I needed to do, I can’t say I didn’t feel a bit anxious because I did. But I did it. I faced it and overcame it. I went to a friends daughters birthday party on Saturday and anxiety didn’t play any part of my mind being there, I handled things I think quite well. On Sunday normally my lazy day I got a text short notice asking if my kids wanted to play on the park. So I got dressed didn’t bother with my hair or make up and went to the park with my kids and some friends and their kids. Then I ate a meal in front of them (something I would have normally avoided in fear of being watched.) 

I feel like the fight in me has come back. My reason to fight is just to prove that I can do this and get over depression with no meds. I’m proving to myself I can do it as I’m doing things I wouldn’t normally do because i lacked the confidence or I had too much fear. The dark cloud that’s been hanging over me Is finally going and I can’t say how that makes me feel other then happy and relieved. I’m sleeping better, trying to eat better and actually eating something twice a day (another massive difference in me) 

Another massive step was getting my youngest undressed at a group in front of everyone to do messy play in just his nappy. I’ve always been wary of people seeing his scar and his chest in fear of too many questions. No-one said anything, maybe no-one noticed, maybe they did but they were all too busy having fun but I felt incredibly proud of myself for that. 

I definitely have my spirit back, I feel like I can do this at long last. No more tears, no more irritated behaviour, I don’t feel drained, I don’t feel overly tired just normal tired, I don’t feel anxious. I’m making plans with friends, I’m spending more time at home and actually enjoying it. I’m letting my hubby do more with the kids and spending more time alone. It means so much to me that I’m doing all this off my own back no-one is forcing me to push myself and no-one is telling me I’m wrong and I should have stuck to the meds. This means so much to me because it’s clear to me that it all down to me and I’m doing it not meds controlling my emotions. 
For the people who support me wether it’s because it’s their job, or they volunteer or they are my friends this is only possible because of the help they have given me. I’ll never forgot what they have all done for me and how I’m finally getting my life back because of the difference they have made to my life. The weights been lifted and I’m finally getting set free. 🙂💜

Failure 

This week has been an incredibly hard week for me. The worst part is the struggle to talk about why it was so hard. I hate lying to people and hate keeping things from the people who are there to support me but it’s something I’ve never been able to talk about. Something happened a very long time ago and I thought I had dealt with it (my way as per usual) but it’s come back to light and I’m finding it hard to deal with it aswell as having the anxiety and depression. I went to talk to one of the people who supports me on Tuesday I was so tearful and tense I broke down. Because of everything that’s come back into my life I had to go on to medication as per advice given on Tuesday. I feel like everything I’ve worked for has been for nothing which then makes me feel even worse. I feel like I’ve failed myself I wanted all this over by my babies first birthday next month and well that ain’t happening now.

Until recent events I thought I was doing ok. I thought I was winning but having to go on medication and go to the doctors was admitting defeat in my eyes. I wanted to do it my way and I was doing well. But unfortunately I see their point I was in a proper state. I’ve barely eaten I was honest and told them that. But people keep going on at me. I can’t force myself to eat if I don’t feel like it. People trying to encourage me to eat also won’t work. It puts too much pressure on me and I hate that they all say they are concerned about my eating. It’s how I cope I’m fine and I’m not in denial. When I feel good I can eat when I don’t I can’t.

I’ve had a fair few panic attacks or anxiety attacks this week, I’ve been extremely low and I’ve not much been able to pick myself up from it. Pretty hard to admit this aswell. I have the need to comtrol things in my life and I can’t cope with loss of control which I guess is one reason why I don’t want medication low dose or not.

People around me know I didn’t want medication and knew I didn’t want to take it. It took some convincing.

 I had to tell my best friend that I’ve had all this going on and I’m so very lucky that the few friends I have are very supportive. I’d be lost without them.

I feel like I’m splitting myself into two lives one were people know about the depression or know the full story and I get support and the life where no-one knows and I’m expected to happy and cheery all the time and it’s hard work putting on the pretence all the time. Especially when I really don’t feel strong enough to fake a smile. Sometimes I feel like shouting at the top of my voice there’s a reason for almost everything and tell people what’s going on in my life but I actually like to stay private. It’s just so hard to live these lives and I feel like I’m failing big time.