I mentioned that I get a lot of support from various people for my mental health now but the support I’m lacking is from the one person that should be supporting me the most. My husband. As I’ve said before I’m not the greatest at talking but I have tried and failed several times to talk to my husband. Every time I talk to him about anything he always makes it about him and somehow comes off as if he’s got it worse. It’s no competition but here’s what I’ve he to deal with that he hasn’t. We have an older son so while i was in hospital for 3 days after having the baby he was with our other son. When the doctors found the heart murmur i was alone, when they did the ecg I was alone and when they did the echo on his heart again I was alone. Then the diagnosis came and once again I was alone.
A couple of weeks after the baby was born he went to work full time and there was me on my own 5 days a week with a newborn and a nursery age child. I dealt with everything alone while he was at work. Nurses coming in to check sats and our health visitor coming to weigh the baby once a week. I did it all alone. I went to the hospital appointments to the cardiologist alone too. I’m not saying he didn’t feel things too but he didn’t have to deal with what I death with on a daily basis.
When things turned into an emergency situation and the baby was rushed into hospital he stayed at home and looked after the older boy while i once again dealt with doctors and nurses and had more sleepless nights. I slept in a chair next to his bed that’s when I actually slept. I slept with my head leant over on to his bed for the first few nights and was in hospital for just over 2 weeks. They came to the specialist hospital but still I was alone most of the time. When we came home once again he returned to work and I was the one dealing with hospitals and getting the other boy to school. Booking hospital transport arranging someone to be there for the older boy. Missing him and not spending time with him as much as I wanted with going back n forth to hospital.
Now when I’ve tried to talk to him several times and failed I gave up trying. I write a mood diary every night for one person to read to see how I’m doing and what I can improve on. It’s my therapy. It’s private I let one person read it and only that one person. So I caught my husband reading my book I confronted him a day he came up with some pretty pathetic excuses and turned it round to say how bad he was feeling. I told him under no uncertain terms it was private and asked for respect of that privacy. He’s once again breached my privacy and read my book cover to cover. So right now I’m nothing short of pissed off and upset. There’s no point confronting him again it clearly had no affect last time. I’m sad that he felt the need to read my personal things. I know some will say there should be no secrets in marriage but it’s not like i haven’t tried to tell him everything he just doesn’t want to listen. He’s got it much worse then me why would he listen?