Depression and what’s it’s taken away from me.

Since being told i have post natal depression I’ve lost so much of myself. So much so that sometimes I don’t actually know what’s going to be a permanent fixture in my life. If it will eventually go away or whether or not I’ll be depressed for years or just a few more months. Right now I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep walking through but it’s been months now and I still see no light, no end. I really want to find the person I used to be again and not the shell of a person I am now.

i’ve lost my confidence. I mean I wasnt ever overly confident but I had enough to keep me going. Now I second guess everything even down to the clothes I wear. I second guess my parenting skills, my judgement, my self awareness. If i buy new clothes I have to ask if something looks ok all the time until I feel OK in it. I feel uncomfortable most of the time in what I wear as most of my clothes are now too big. I have to plan what i want to wear a day or two in advance. I  can’t cope with picking something on the day incase it doesn’t look right or I feel uncomfortable it just saves time doing it in advance.

I can’t be alone for long periods of time or sometimes at all. I used to love having my own space now I hate it. I can’t spend time on my own now. I have anxiety being away from my youngest. Everywhere I go he’s with me even when I have a bath 99% of the time he’s with me. But that’s because of him being in hospital and having the problems he had. Everything has to be on my terms I have to have control over practically everything or I just go crazy.

It’s taken my appetite away from me before I got pregnant and felt sick 24/7 I loved my food. I’d eat all day long if I could. Some days I’d eat my way through a packet of biscuits when I got bored. Now I barely eat and think it’s becoming a problem. I skip breakfast and lunch almost everyday and only eat at teatime if I feel like it. Sometimes I don’t eat at all I just have no enjoyment of food anymore.

I take every single criticism to heart and over think it all time especially if it’s something I am doing “wrong” with the kids. It gets to me and it upsets me. Sometimes on a good day I shrug  it off other days I sit and cry about what been said.

I hate how I look. I am forever changing how I look,  wether it be hair colour, hair extensions,  cutting my hair off or growing it long. I’m my own worse critic I hate looking in the mirror, I hate having photos taken so much so that I’m rarely in them anymore. I have to wear make up before I leave the house which I mentioned before. Even on a pj day if I have to go to the shop I have to put some make up on even if it’s concealer and foundation and I have to wear something I’m comfortable in. I hate that it annoys me but I have to do it.

I cannot stand being in a room full to the brim of people it makes me very nervous. I get twitchy and anxious and I have to leave before it gets too much. Even when it’s a little bit busy in a small area I have to be in and out of that area keeping myself out the way.

I hate attention being drawn to me it embarrasses me and I go very red and feel very silly. It makes me nervous. I can’t take compliments I don’t believe them I think people are lying.

I hate that I have to write things down instead of being able to talk about it as it would actually make things easier for myself. I hate that I rely on people to talk when things get bad and even though I have fantastic support I still can’t open up fully. I have trust issues.

I feel like a bad parent when I get tearful, I feel like I shouldn’t have kids because they deserve better then me. A crying irritable wreck of mum who is going through a tough time. Maybe I should have just given in and accepted the referral to a mental health team and taken the medication better to be a zombie then a crying mess sometimes. I just wanted to do it on my own. Prove to myself that I am strong, that somewhere the old me is still in there fighting to get out. I hope one day she breaks her way back through I’m not liking the new version of me.

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Author: always over thinking things

I'm 32 years old,married and I'm a full time mum to 2 boys. My eldest is 5 and the youngest is a year old. My eldest boy is on the autistic spectrum and my youngest has a congenital heart defect called tetralogy of fallot. My blog is about my children, about me and my way of dealing with the life I've been given. It's a way of expressing my emotions and feelings through words. This is done anonymously as I want to keep myself away from people who don't know what's happening in my life.

2 thoughts on “Depression and what’s it’s taken away from me.”

  1. xxx Stay Strong xxx Take all the help & support you can get at this time. Do not be ‘Too Proud’ to take the doctors vitamins to balance you through this immense time of change. Your little one needs you. Have been there and survived :o) you can too. Well done for writing this down, you are never alone x

    Like

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