Since being told i have post natal depression I’ve lost so much of myself. So much so that sometimes I don’t actually know what’s going to be a permanent fixture in my life. If it will eventually go away or whether or not I’ll be depressed for years or just a few more months. Right now I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I keep walking through but it’s been months now and I still see no light, no end. I really want to find the person I used to be again and not the shell of a person I am now.
i’ve lost my confidence. I mean I wasnt ever overly confident but I had enough to keep me going. Now I second guess everything even down to the clothes I wear. I second guess my parenting skills, my judgement, my self awareness. If i buy new clothes I have to ask if something looks ok all the time until I feel OK in it. I feel uncomfortable most of the time in what I wear as most of my clothes are now too big. I have to plan what i want to wear a day or two in advance. I can’t cope with picking something on the day incase it doesn’t look right or I feel uncomfortable it just saves time doing it in advance.
I can’t be alone for long periods of time or sometimes at all. I used to love having my own space now I hate it. I can’t spend time on my own now. I have anxiety being away from my youngest. Everywhere I go he’s with me even when I have a bath 99% of the time he’s with me. But that’s because of him being in hospital and having the problems he had. Everything has to be on my terms I have to have control over practically everything or I just go crazy.
It’s taken my appetite away from me before I got pregnant and felt sick 24/7 I loved my food. I’d eat all day long if I could. Some days I’d eat my way through a packet of biscuits when I got bored. Now I barely eat and think it’s becoming a problem. I skip breakfast and lunch almost everyday and only eat at teatime if I feel like it. Sometimes I don’t eat at all I just have no enjoyment of food anymore.
I take every single criticism to heart and over think it all time especially if it’s something I am doing “wrong” with the kids. It gets to me and it upsets me. Sometimes on a good day I shrug it off other days I sit and cry about what been said.
I hate how I look. I am forever changing how I look, wether it be hair colour, hair extensions, cutting my hair off or growing it long. I’m my own worse critic I hate looking in the mirror, I hate having photos taken so much so that I’m rarely in them anymore. I have to wear make up before I leave the house which I mentioned before. Even on a pj day if I have to go to the shop I have to put some make up on even if it’s concealer and foundation and I have to wear something I’m comfortable in. I hate that it annoys me but I have to do it.
I cannot stand being in a room full to the brim of people it makes me very nervous. I get twitchy and anxious and I have to leave before it gets too much. Even when it’s a little bit busy in a small area I have to be in and out of that area keeping myself out the way.
I hate attention being drawn to me it embarrasses me and I go very red and feel very silly. It makes me nervous. I can’t take compliments I don’t believe them I think people are lying.
I hate that I have to write things down instead of being able to talk about it as it would actually make things easier for myself. I hate that I rely on people to talk when things get bad and even though I have fantastic support I still can’t open up fully. I have trust issues.
I feel like a bad parent when I get tearful, I feel like I shouldn’t have kids because they deserve better then me. A crying irritable wreck of mum who is going through a tough time. Maybe I should have just given in and accepted the referral to a mental health team and taken the medication better to be a zombie then a crying mess sometimes. I just wanted to do it on my own. Prove to myself that I am strong, that somewhere the old me is still in there fighting to get out. I hope one day she breaks her way back through I’m not liking the new version of me.