Coming home was amazing I couldn’t wait to get back to normal (whatever that would be now) I missed my home comforts and being in my own bed I missed my oldest boy and loved not being disturbed by nurses or doctors.
We were to go back to the hospital in a weeks time for a post ward check but I had 7 days of no hospitals to look forward to yet.
We went for the post ward check up the operation was a success. It did what it needed to do to repair his heart. He just had a little extra fluid around his heart so yet again go back in a week for another ecg and echo. The following week it was cleared. It was such a relief because I panicked that it would involve more surgery or some kind of other procedure to drain the fluid.
Treat him like a normal child they said something I struggled to get my head around. He’s just had major heart surgery he’s not a normal child he was also on 4 lots of medication 4 times a day. Normal children don’t take medication. Normal children don’t need to recover from heart surgery. How is he normal? He will never be normal.
I struggled so much with the diagnosis and the months after and in honesty I struggle now. A couple of months after the operation my anxiety and mood didn’t improve. Then came the words “postnatal depression” I refused to believe it and accept it. I was fine I just had a hard time adjusting to what normal is now . I got a lot of support leading up to the operation and get a lot of support now it’s something I’m not ashamed to admit. I eventually accepted that I have post natal depression and although I have refused mediation on several occasions I’m working on getting better.
I tried talking therapies but it wasn’t for me after 3 sessions I was coming out of there in a worse state then what i was going in. Instead now I get other support. I have a lot of people around me and I’ll be forever grateful to them. They will probably never know how much they have done for me and my family.
I write everything down and it gets read. It’s easier for me that way I can’t talk openly and truthfully about how I’m feeling I’ve never been great at it. Nobody tells you how to cope with it all. Nobody tells you that it’s hard work. Nobody tells you that you get tearful for sometimes no reason . Or something so small can put you in a bad place. I had a lot of anxiety over leaving the baby I wouldn’t go anywhere without him not after leaving him in theatre. Something I had to work hard on and get used to leaving him and it was hard. The first time I was due to leave him I cried about half an hour before and got so worked up and I felt embarrassed because I felt weak.
Depression is such a taboo subject and I haven’t told my family that I suffer with it and they have no clue what’s going on. I haven’t told many people at all just a couple of close friends. People look at me and they see I have my hair done, it’s clean, styled and straightened, I dress decently in clean clothes, put make up on and I have my nails done every couple of weeks. That’s the person I allow people to see not the mess of a person underneath. I can’t leave the house without make up on. I can’t leave the house without doing something with my hair even when I can’t be bothered. I can’t just throw on some clothes that day and hope it looks ok. I have to plan what I want to wear at least one day before if not I can’t cope.
I’d always been the one that was there for other people when they needed someone to talk to. I always thought I was quite a strong person but I feel broken I don’t feel like the person I used to be. I never had to rely on anyone before. It’s so hard that with this depression I’m relying on people when I have a crap day. I ring people to talk, I go to talk to people who support me and they are all brilliant. They probably have no idea how grateful I am to have their help and support It’s just I never used to have to do that. Everyone says to me how strong I am, how well I coped with all that’s happened it’s all lies I don’t cope, I haven’t coped. I’m a fraud because I don’t post it all over Facebook they don’t see what’s really going on. They don’t see my tears or the pain behind my eyes. I keep them closed off afraid of being vulnerable. I sometimes still hide how I’m truly feeling saying I’m ok when I’m not or that I’m fine when I’m not. I’m afraid if I tell people all the time I’m not ok they will think I’m not coping or get other people involved. Something I don’t want happening.